I’m so fucking mad

Why? Why the fuck was I called to rehearsal today?  The other leads weren’t. Why? Because I am around. Because i’m paid less than them so I am called pointlessly to rehearsals. There was no fucking reason except that I am more expendable than the other leads.  Just because i’m a resident artist doesn’t mean my time is less valuable. Fuck you idiots, wtf.  Fuck you.  There was absolutely zero value for my being there. None.  They did it because a tiny retarded thought went off in their mind that having this lead there might facilitate the rehearsal better. They could easily have blocked around what my ultimate staging is. Easy. Easiest thing in the world. That’s what chorus rehearsals are for. You stage the chorus, then you add the principals. Jesus fucking christ. Fucking dummies.  It’s unacceptable. Why didn’t anyone stick up for me?  

Fucking G, that little fucking idiot. Asked if the ENT saw any damage…. You fucking dummy, how do you ask that? Why would you ever ask that?  A. as If I would fucking tell you dummy.  B. That is a completely sensitive and inappropriate question to ask.  You fucking retard. And of course he told the higher ups that he suspected this.  That fucking idiot, why would you do that? Why would you potentially throw me under the bus like that? Jesus fucking christ. Fucking idiot.  Who are these people?  Seriously, how do people like this make it this far? I don’t get it?? Am I insane? Like my god..

I need to get into something else, I need to make money independently. Im fucking done with this shit. These fucking idiots.  Utterly incompetent. So many of them.  R is a freaking saint at that company, best thing at that company.  The only worthy human being there.  Except for E as well.  He is a smart, good dude.  And I think he is encountering similar feelings as me, the utter incompetence of others.  I suppose I am no different in certain ways, I have weaknesses. I definitely have weaknesses. I am not a leader, I tremble when I public speak. I stutter and look down.  So I guess I can’t criticize too much right?  But jesus my heart is there.

I need to find something else.  Some other avenue.  I am done with this shit.  I am going to attempt the rest of the agents on my contact sheet. I am going to attempt one more summer program.  I will keep open my contacts. Then I am done.  I am completely done. I don’t want to invest any more money into this bs.  Fucking idiots.

I will spend time working on brainstorming other possibilities. They are out there, it’s possible. I’m talented.  I can make this happen. Fuck it, fuck it all. I’ll be dead someday, so fuck it.

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