Next Day Calm

Ok, i’ve calmed down a bit. Got a little bit of sleep, things feel a bit more in perspective. For now haha. Yesterday really sucked, I was so tired and I get very sensitive when I am tired. And by sensitive I mean sensitive to the BS around me.  And I suppose ultimately sensitive to the weaknesses of others around me. I judge pretty hard, and I suppose I have every right to because it does ultimately affect me and my career opportunities, and even my standards.  But it is their weaknesses and if I were in their position I am not sure how I would behave. I suppose I have to put myself in their position more often to see how I do act, how I do overcome the difficulties of interacting like this. Interacting in an authoritative position. I do not know how, I am almost never in that position.  I have no idea how to act and might act similarly. If things need to get done, decisions made, it’s easy to just do it, let the pieces fall as they may. You cannot be concerned with everyone’s wants and feelings and perspectives. You will just be so crippled by it you won’t be able to act.  But one assumes that those considerations are taken in organically, ah who knows.

I will say this, I was vindicated yesterday.  And this was the crux of my anger. And the crux is this: there is an obvious and crippling double standard with established principals and myself.  If I am not expressive for a single moment I get shit for it.  The dude that is singing the role now, he is dog shit, generic acting, through and through, utterly campy.  Gets praise, zero criticism. Now, to be clear, I don’t work expressively in order to not get attacked, fuck that, I work for god knows what reason. But to see that low level of performance get zero feedback was enraging. To make me feel as if I am not competent, as if I don’t belong there, as if I am deeply wrong at what I do, as if I am inadequate.  Fuck that, fuck that forever. No way, not anymore, it’s obvious, and it’s not me. It’s so clearly his “weakness” that is at play here.  I had no respect at the outset and that initial opinion has only been deepened. Fuck you M you fucking idiot.

On the other side, I had a fucking awesome time at the end of rehearsal. Was hanging out with the pianists. It was a slow rehearsal so I could talk with them quite a bit. They’re both super cute so I flirted a bit of course, but just casual, just joking around. It was so fun.  They’re freaking awesome.

The topics class was a disaster.  It went exactly how I expected it would go. Pointless pontification by the higher ups, condescending “advice and recommendations”, then further questions to us about our way of going about things.  It’s not a fair question, it’s not a fair scenario.  There is such low trust in the relationship that there can not be any possibility for an honest answer.  There is honestly though, a big part of me that regrets just not being utterly honest. I owe nothing to them, and the answer honestly probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  I wish I had said my thoughts and feelings, if they are asking, those mother fuckers are going to get an answer. Fuck them and fuck everyone else in the room. If I am asked to speak my mind I will. I will not volunteer it, but if asked I will. Fuck it. It’s their fault, they asked for it, technically hah.

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