Practical View

So why not me? I sing well, I have a good instrument, I am expressive, I act well, I’m good looking, I’m fit, I am at the right age.  Maybe it’s just the competitiveness of the fach.  That’s fair, and E warned me, and it easy a fair warning. I suppose I have to specialize.  

But I’m not getting hired at the regional level. It’s just not happening and that’s not ok.  It means something. And some of the people that are getting hired are good, they are.  Some I don’t think are as good.  I don’t know how much to invest in this.  It seems not worth it to spend 500 an audition or competition to get to NYC. It sucks, it’s not ok. Life is short. It will end. You can’t worry too much.  : )

It’s about what’s satisfying, in all aspects of life, in all respects. Plain and simple

And honestly, whatever’s going on, my anger and sorrow come from the fact that I haven’t been able to effectively sing for the last three month. I mean it’s ridiculous. It’s insane! How is this possible? I mean I suppose it’s just been one thing after another. For years, it’s scary, technique or no technique things are really wrong.  I’m excited to get my tonsils out and see what kind if changes there are. There might be none, there might be some.  I guess I’ll only know once I do it. But it’s just scary, I mean even since high school? It’s all truly coming to a head. Coming full circle.  It’s insane, career, personality, vocal issues, amorousness. I’m lost, but healed haha, but who knows.  I don’t think the tonsillectomy will do much but whatever, I’ll get them out, end shit with Adrianne lol, fuck it all, it’s all a trip, it’s all all mess so might as well let it be one.  It might as well be anyways.  Because that’s pretty much all it’s going to be from here on out.

You have to find your options, your way, your friends.  Hang out with friends, not your coworkers.  You can’t get close, you have to stay professional. I am so sad I feel untouchable by management. I’m not getting work, it sucks. It’s so shitty.  It’s my fault, I sing well but certain things get in my way and I’m so scared.  I feel like I do good work and get good feedback. But it’s just not working. Even having good management doesn’t mean everything. Don’t worry about it man. There are no guarantees. You just have to go about it your own way. It’s the only way to do it. You can’t rush the process, it’s an organic system. If a manager isn’t interested they aren’t interested. That’s ok, that’s the real world. What I’ve achieved is really cool and really special, for me. If it stops here that is just fine. It’s about compatability.  I do good work. That’s all I really can do. If it’s a personality thing that is holding me back, then so be it. That’s life. You can’t help but come back full circle.  You can’t help it.  I’m in my renaissance but perhaps too late for certain responsibilities. It sucks. It fucking sucks but that’s the way it is.  I’m happy. I’m so scared but I’m happy.  I want the trash out of my life.  Don’t be nice to people.  They won’t repay you.  Be fair.

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