My anger. This is becoming an issue. The thought just struck me that my anger at work could very very easily translate into an anger at home. That if I had a girlfriend/wife/kids/family I could behave this way in my household. This is no way to live and no way to raise someone and no way to spend a life and no way to share a life. I don’t know what to do about this. Repressing and faking won’t do anything, burying won’t do anything. You have to solve this.
The irony is that I am angry about legitamite things, but isn’t that always the case; anger at injustice, at feeling mistreated, feeling shit on, feeling powerless. A big part of it is this weird bitterness but that’s not quite it either. It could be pride. A double irony is that I find a bit of strength in this anger. I feel strong to defy and to ignore and to move on, it is a cue to find other options and it is important in that aspect. Anger as stepping stone. Anger is a stepping stone. Just as anxiety is. I feel maltreated, so find a way to not be in that position. What’s going on is I’m experiencing the fruits of years of neglecting that principle. I should have acted on this anger decades ago and would have been in an infinitely different position than I am now. Alas I cannot take back the past.
My job now. You have to ignore what you can’t control. Do your job, don’t worry about it. Find other options.
Update- seems the cause of a lot of this was not enough sleep. I stopped drinking coffee and after two days my mood completely evened out. so stupid, what a dumb reason to have felt that way and have all that shit come up. so stupid.