Let’s Figure this out

So let’s figure this out. So the mentality of, I don’t know myself, has been nothing but effective. It makes me feel more connected and relaxed in conversation.  I feel happier and have more fun in general. Life’s problems are always there but they are to be tackled and worked through and I feel capable of doing so.  But these problems still persist and it’s hard to figure them out.  And one big one is of joy. I don’t quite know how it manifests in my soul. I just sit stone faced.  Maybe it just has to be this way, maybe I have to work through the angst. The paradigm shifts feel so good but seem to fall apart in real life interaction.  Just indulge the angst? I’m not sure what else to do.  These problems are real and seem to really weigh on me.  There are people who have less and are happy, what is the difference? A deep part of it is feeling like I’m not being treated fairly. Maybe that’s an unfair paradigm. Life is not fair, it is not fair and to expect it to be fair is just silly.  If you want to be treated well you have to excel and become powerful in your professional and personal life. That’s the only way, that truly is the only way.  

It’s painful. And the mentality of gaining in success and power is so important and completely valid it also doesn’t necessarily take into account the now. When do I have enough power or success to be happy? I don’t have an answer and I don’t think anyone does.

The it’s ok, or you’re ok idea kind of cuts through all this shit. It’s so important and it just levels the playing field. It makes life immediately beautiful.  But it’s a paradigm and seems flighty, can just disappear.  I don’t know how to hold on to it.  And I need to, I want to, it’s so important.  Why does it go away? It seems like the image gets muddied, contaminated as I recall it and try to be reinspired by it. The feeling of ok is so obvious when I feel it though, so clear and overwhelming. It seems like it would be self supporting through its own beauty and strength. That it would reinforce it’s own existence. But it does not, it evaporates. I don’t know how to get it back. Once the image is muddied I have to wait for another random inspiration to get it back. Clearly not the ideal way of going about making this change.  I don’t know how to help it though, how to change it. How to live that life of, feeling it’s ok to be different etc.

I think the deepest component of it is a self affirmation.  From the self, from deep inside. A deep self saying I’m ok, saying I’m not a bad guy, saying that it’s ok for me to be happy. And demanding it of my life.  That I don’t need others. Their opinion is theirs.  I don’t need their opinion to validate myself.  That I am responsible for only me, not for them. But again, these are all things I’ve thought of before and all have disappeared into the ether. So I’m not sure how much eventual value they have.

So what does suck? Why am I depressed? What do I feel like I don’t have? I don’t know, I’ve said it before but I don’t think it’s success, or a woman or something like that, it’s not recognition or friends. These are all things that would be lovely in all ways but I honestly don’t think they are at the root of it.  What do I feel like I’m missing? Gosh I don’t know.. my god I don’t know, I can’t quite figure it out.  A thought is striking about having a chip on my shoulder about feeling inferior and the desire to prove that I am not.  And if I sense that I am it is crushing. I think there is a lot of weight in this vague sense. So how do I help solve this? I mean how do I deal with it.  I am not saying this is the entirety of my problems but it is really striking a chord and needs to be explored. I can recall instances of feeling it very young and I guess trying to compensate for it.  I think the inferiority thing is the chip on my shoulder.  I have no idea how to solve it. I can see it in my life, so clearly recent and far past experiences. It’s very clear but how to resolve this feeling, I have no idea.

Again today, the ambivalance, the depression, the dissatisfaction is really taking its toll. And I don’t think it’s necessarily a clinical thing. I think it’s just a life thing, a satisfaction thing.  But what sucks is when I stand in line at a grocery store I have no instinct to talk.  When I am hanging with people I don’t feel a blossoming urge to connect. I wish I did. Maybe it is just knowing how, but there has to be fire behind the mechanics of it.  I don’t think that my not being directly social is an indicator of an incorrect paradigm. I do think that this mentality is effective, and I keep saying well, maybe it’s just a time thing. And maybe it is. Just a natural growth curve.  I can’t deny how much more settled I am.  Ahh, I am not sure what to do. I feel primed to pounce on opportunities, I really do. I feel a different strength, a different flexability. But it still feels like I am starting over, which is kind of the case. Ok. Just go with it I guess, keep figuring it out one day at a time. Life is problem solving.

Problem solving my happiness. It’s a tough one because it involves so many things. So the first thought is of the struggle, i will be happy until I am in a stable place, but surely that does not exist. There is always a risk of loss, of detriment, that cant be the measure of happiness because it is impossible to achieve. Ahh finally im 60 and have lots of money, oh now im going to die lol.  So that cant be the measure.  Perhaps knowing that this is how it goes, that struggle is a part of life. If you are alive you are doomed to struggle. That is a bit of relief in a way.  I am doomed to it.  But also doomed to make decisions.  And that is kind of the counter balance, the eclipse of the issue.  Decisions how you spend your time.  There is kind of a not knowing component in all these things. But honestly the goal kind of is money. It really equals an incredible amount of power and you have to do what you need to do to get it.  It really is important. But at the same time not to chase it haha. Synergize love and earning.

I am still, unhappy, nervous, but those dont even quite hit the nail on the head. It’s kind of the result i guess, this tame, lackluster existence. I don’t interact. Ahh this isnt helpful.  

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