Social Interactions

So my social interactions tend to be awkward, this is nothing new.  What is the crux of this, almost across the board I feel unlikable.  I am friendly with my colleagues but just am not very talkative. I suppose it’s gotten better, actually it has gotten a lot better, so much more connected.  But I’m still kind of frowny, gloomy.  I can’t imagine having kids, I’d be the most boring father, just not caring.  Am I being selfish? I suppose. I don’t feel the love for others that I think I should. That love of connection and togetherness. It’s still an effort to interact through my standoffishness, my lack of trust, that distance.  It’s worst with people who are my boss, it’s exaggerated.  But again, it’s because I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel safe. And I guess I can name reasons why I would feel that way, but it’s still not helpful. It still doesn’t help me find happiness.  It’s this weird paradox, I am so much happier. Maybe it’s not so much about the feeling but the needs. Satisfy the needs first and the happiness will come.  The issue is this fear, and my parents have the same one. This ultra conservative outlook. It has to be about balance.  Living life fully and saving for the future, having the confidence in earning money. It is scary, it is legitimately scary and that’s ok. But you have to plan and figure it out.  I will find work when I get back. This is a scary time and going to Austin is a big deal, and I’m going to be losing a lot. But this time in my life will not come back again, this adventure will not happen agai, this life will not happen again.

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