I get this deep and agonizing anxiety when I’m talking to her, a lot of times it’s sexual things that trigger it. Affection. I don’t know why. I’m not afraid, I know I can handle myself.  But I do feel it and there is a reason. I don’t know what’s going on.  And it is crushing, I can’t shake it and it is detrimental, I can barely breathe, I can barely feel. It’s terrible.  Maybe there’s not much I can do.  I’m not intimidated, it seems almost foreign, out of nowhere.  Seems so distant from how I feel about myself and life now.  But boy is it real. And it’s acute and has to be dealt with.  It will ruin my life.  But running won’t do any good.  You have to deal with this. I feel unsafe, I feel terrified, immanent terror.  It’s ok if she doesn’t like you.  I think I feel sole weird crushing expectations.  You have to crush those.  I don’t know myself and those expectations have no place.  If I’m at my limit than so be it.  It’s a mystery, and it’s a deep one.  And it’s a painful one.  I need to figure this out. This has to be overcome. If it’s natural that’s great but there is no satisfaction.  This has not been resolved. This will obviously take more writing and more additions.  I dont know what to do.  I don’t know myself and it helps.  It helps to allow myself to be plunged into this not knowing. It helps with the comparison. Others are so happy, so much happier than me and rightfully so, no jealousy just a feeling of wanting to get there. The anxiety never helps, it never prevents me from pain, it doesnt save me. It doesnt help me.  There is no healing that happens.  I am sick of it. But that doesnt make it any easier.  It’s inner strength that’s needed, but you cant just make that. It takes time, it takes whatever… I don’t know myself and you cant push that. No one can. 

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