My issues with women: Where to begin, I have no idea. This issue is completely warped and makes no sense to me whatsoever. There are so many conflicting feelings all intertwined with each other and none of them are recognizable and none of them make sense. I think I started out straight. My first recognizable feelings were for women. I remember lusting after girls in middle school. But I do remember even before, in elementary school lusting after lord zed in power rangers haha, i remember this burning feeling in me. I remember it very clearly actually. I remember having little crushes on some other boys my age. I did. I remember that burning feeling, a little mini lust. But I also massively pined for girls. I remember struggling and pining so hard and so painfully. Feeling diminished and utterly incapable, inferior, unworthy. It was crushing. It was completely and wholly crushing. But I do remember a girl in middle school liking me and I dismissed her, she wasn’t who I felt I was supposed to be with I guess. She was cute for sure. Just not one of the popular girls. But I remember noticing that she liked me and I felt this instant coldness, this void, this “I have to get away”. But now, rationally, when I think about guys, kissing guys, going down on guys, I have an honest, completely honest knee jerk reaction of eww, of haha yeah right. Of visceral disgust. But there is a burning for a type, it’s a fetish. I honestly think that my intuition in highschool was correct. My lust for guys is a fetish but I am straight otherwise. Wonderful, but why am I not more proactive towards women. Well I suppose I am but encounter nothing but failure. Again, this feeling of being unworthy. Yet when I have a clear opportunity I cannot capitalize. I have no desire. I pine yet have no desire. It just doesn’t make sense. And I genuinely pine, it’s so pure and I feel crushed by it. I remember pining so hard for M, It burned in me, and I could barely get it up to have sex with her. Clearly there is an anxiety at the root of this that is paralyzing me.
I think I am afraid of not being good enough. I remember not wanting to have sex with people in high school and in undergrad and even grad school because I was worried that they would tell their friends about my penis size. That they would tell them and then their friends would laugh and think less of me. Again, it was a completely crushing feeling. It defined me as a man. And I felt that it defined me utterly poorly, embarrassingly. How interesting. I feel like a new man admitting that. I feel an infinite desire, without anything to prove, nothing to hide. Only love to give, affection, pure affection, straight from the heart. I fucked up. I fucked up for the past decade. It’s sad. I feel like I can give all that I have, again, all affection, all sensitivity, all exploration, all tenderness all passion.
I think I am going to stop the writeup here. I am not quite sure how to continue. I think I would like to add more to this another time but I am not really feeling it right now. I kind of want to let this sink in.
Another issue is possessiveness. It fucks me up knowing they’ve been with other people, that somehow I don’t feel safe. I feel inadequate, unsafe to explore and really settle. The feeling like they are going to leave at any moment. I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve been with other people and obviously would never expect my partner to never have been with anyone else, it’s obviously so silly. The feeling becomes, put into words, “what’s the point?”. I don’t know what this means or how to get over it but that’s how I feel. It’s very strange. Like I can never be good enough. Again it’s a self-defeating mindset and I know it, I know it through and through but it still grips me. And I don’t know how to let it go. I think a part of it is to just acknowledge that I feel this way and to not demonize it but just notice it as a facet of how I feel.
I feel a resentment at their options. Options that I feel I don’t have. Having sex with a woman somehow feels like she is taking something away from me. She is getting attention, taking my attention and I am getting nothing. This obviously sounds extremely warped, but this is how I feel. Not sure what to do about it. I think at this point I just need to feel it out. There are big personality changes im feeling and they make me feel so much more connected and heartfelt. I think they are good changes and fruitful changes and I think I need to see where things go. There are women that I want to sleep with right now and I think I have an opportunity to, I just need to set it up I suppose. I think I can start drinking again so that will help haha.