I am happy to have her visit me. I want to have a full conversation with her first though. I want to talk about how much money I make, options I have, the fact that my career is not stable, that my personal and emotional life is not stable, that they kind of go hand in hand.
On the other hand there is the thought that talking about it too much could simply just be overthinking. Just let her see the flaws. Warning really serves no purpose, it kind of sets up a self fulfilling prophecy in some kind of way. M telling me her problems did not help or sooth any of the painful issues that ended up coming up. A full disclosure is in a way no fair warning.
All that aside the mechanics of her visiting are pretty clear. I need to clean my room, clean the house, clean the bathrooms, clean my car, get some simple furniture. Come up with a spending plan, what options are available for fun. Honestly meals tend to be the biggest culprit in spending. It is about finding quality, not fancy. It’s about content, not price.
I want her to visit once my throat shit is over with. I don’t want to have to deal with it physically or emotionally.
Content: we can find things to do, whether it’s new for both of us or im showing her something. There is no point in being emo about what I have and have not been able to explore in my time here. Just move forward.
It is up to her for her timeline. I will not throw out a number for how long her trip might be here. I will say she is happy to stay as long as she likes.
Once I know more information about the stay there I would love to spend time with her there. Potentially delaying leaving Montreal for a week and just continuing whatever room I have been given there.
June 6 to essentially the end of June. The biggest issue is that of work. I will have gone two weeks without working and I am afraid of the financial consequences of not resuming work somewhat soon after. It is a big concern but the bigger concern is spending time with Adrianne and seeing where things potentially go. It’s worth it. The money will come, my youth will not.
Definite end to summer time in Austin
My gig with Lakes Area begins in August. So I potentially have 5 weeks in Austin. June 21st-August. That is a long time, I have three options. Schedule a shorter time, say three weeks. Schedule the full time, 5 weeks. Or buy a one way and see where it goes. All three have their pros and cons. The one way seems most logical but that is an awkward discussion: I think it’s time for you to leave. Haha. But it is the most flexible, not sure how ticket transfers work, might be an option and just cover the difference in price. A fourth option is to lie and say that I have a ticket for 3 weeks when i’ve actually only purchased a one way, then see where we are at at the 3 week mark. It’s a tough situation. What length of time do we choose to “find out”. 1 week is not enough. 5 would be ideal, because i’m not going to find a job within two weeks of coming back then taking off for a gig. But my god if it goes sour then what? You’re stuck there? Seems like the one way is the way to go. Potentially being honest about it, or not. That’s the next choice. We’re both adults, I think being upfront about the option is the best route. Be like.. Lets be fucking open and honest, if its not working its not working. It’s best for both of us not to waste each other’s time. I’ve been in the game long enough to not be offended. I’ve broken up with people and i’ve been broken up with. It’s a fact of life and it’s better to do it early and honestly. Feelings don’t lie. It has to be about want, not need.
It fucking sucked to feel prejudged. To feel her probing questions and that ugly accusation. After all that time and all that compassion, all that effort, all that affection it turns into that. It is really disgusting and I am not sure what to do about it. There are so many things running through my mind. Things that pertain to this particular issue and their ramifications. The issue: I get that she has this concern. We all have warning signs that we look for that we’ve learned to see over the years. These things are inherently prejudices. They are prejudicial to potential catastrophe. Even the prejudice she had was a fair one. I am not at all offended by this. I think it was the cold probing way it was went about. I felt so unloved, so uncared for, so disrespected, like a piece of meat. I felt so soulless, like I was a shell. It really felt like it took my humanity away, like I had to defend myself against horrible accusations. And the accusations were literally the most benign.
It clearly has to be a reflection of her character, who she is. No one speaks this way unless their heart tells them to. Now I also get that these prejudices are formed out of pain, past failed relationships so there is an urgency to them that can be a bit unnatural. But the coldness, the lack of compassion, the lack of humanity is still so disturbing. The lack of casualness. I have warning signs myself, things that stick out to me that make clear this will not be a match. But I don’t think I probe this directly. Maybe I do. I don’t know. Maybe it’s super easy to let these prejudices slip and I am being unfair. I do think for the most part I would be more subtle. I would just let these things happen naturally and see where they go, piece things together after. Ok, I know what it is, the first time it happened, when we had a similar conversation, I was game for it. I get it, we are learning about each other. But that the exact same conversation unfolded, after I had already defended myself and my position was maybe part of what was disturbing. That I had to rego over my arguments, re go over my defence of myself, and more deeply my potential as a partner! I didn’t like the feeling. I didn’t like how a humorous comment, one meant to be fun and goofy turned into this probing attack. I don’t like it.
Deeper yet is the immediacy of the judgement. I want to feel like my partner is in my corner, on my side in life. And when one thing can be the biggest crux of a relationship, that all that compassion and love can be just thrown out. It scares the piss out of me. That I could essentially put in a lifetime of love and one thing could be a “warning sign” and then boom, over. It’s not ok and it scares me. But I have them too i guess, I suppose I can’t think of anything as definite, but it’s more about the prejudice as a guideline, as a cue to be perceptive about certain characteristics. But those characteristics HAVE to reveal themselves before I make a judgement, it’s not the prejudice itself that leads me to a decision.
Talking about it. Does one talk about this. How does one talk about this. Where does it lead? It’s a systemic thing. Should one? Is it simply a mismatch, is this unchangeable, is there any point, can there really be any resolution? I can’t possibly think of her potential response, sorry for not seeing you as a person but defining you entirely by this one potential warning sign. I’m done thinking about this.
The 2nd comment and heartbreak
She brought up that this decision, “may keep me from great partners” essentially. As she and I have been talking closely and amorously for the past two months. It was just a kick in the face. As the comment stands it is something you would say to a friend, not someone you consider or are considering as a potential partner. My heart sank. My heart utterly sank when I read it. Now either it clearly shows how she feels about me, that this isn’t anything serious or it means something else and I am misunderstanding. It kind of can’t mean both. There has been this buildup the past couple weeks to actually spending more time together, which is a massive deal and I am very excited, and she seems very excited. So this comment seems utterly, a perfect 180 to this buildup. Now I am trying to look at it as… for the past 2 years this, “may keep me from great partners” and that the comment was meant to apply to the time since she made the rule initially. If that is the case I totally get it, not a big deal. It’s texting, it’s super easy to be misunderstood, it truly is, without a doubt. But I haven’t misunderstood other things she’s said. But when it comes to emotional things, things from the heart it’s more difficult. And she may have been just speaking off the cuff. But off the cuff still comes from the heart. In this case it has to be black and white. If she meant it as, from the time she made the rule to now. Everything is cool. If she meant it as, from now and continuing, it sucks and she and I have no future. We have no future because it would be an utter disrespect towards my feeling towards her, which she very much is aware of. It is a giant disrespect towards myself as a feeling person.
There is a third option. That she was speaking defensively. That the the callousness of the comment was out of a defensive pride? Maybe pride isn’t the right word. Defensive stance. As if I was going to attack her for this position, this warning sign she believes in. Which she of course has every right to! Hmm. It’s ironically the defensiveness, if that’s what it is, that’s the problem. That self creating shell. It comes out of emotion and pain. It is self described irrationality, it is self affirming irrationality. It’s, ive felt this pain, I don’t want to feel this pain any more, so these are my rules! It’s fair, I get it, I totally do, but it’s not for my ears, I am filled with compassion and happy to hear how she thinks and what she believes, her thoughts on things. She doesn’t have to defend this point against me, and I never put any pressure otherwise. She was standing up for herself acknowledged prejudicial views. She wasn’t speaking to me in that moment. She was speaking to the jury. If it is indeed this third option. Who knows.
At this point I have to go with the bulk of the evidence, which is that she likes me and is interested in spending more time, as I am too. That there is a lot of affection towards me and a real caring. She has chosen to devote significant time to communicating her life with me when she easily could say she was too busy. I have to go with this at this point. The one comment is of course questionable and detrimental feeling. But since it has the potential to be ambiguous, I have to, at this point, go with the bulk of the evidence.
I don’t know what to do. My closest relationship was marked by not too much fighting, but a lot of internal pain. She would say things that revealed that she really didn’t give a shit about me. I would feel this reaction, but couldn’t really form any argument. I knew that if I made the argument that it would be over. That my reaction was to something deep, super systemic. The heart doesn’t lie, and when someone is calloused, when someone doesn’t care the heart will speak truthfully to it. If things like that happen, you have to gather that they don’t care about you and the relationship is over. The particular doesn’t matter. Whatever particular thing is swimming around it doesn’t matter. It’s the underlying reason that comment bubbled up.
Defensiveness is about pain. It’s a childish emotion, a childish stance. It’s full of fear and one becomes calloused. It’s pointlessly defiant. But maybe it had a point at some point and that’s why it’s there. You have to assert that it’s ok. That they’re safe to express these things. I have absolutely done so. I have in no way been aggressive about these things or judgemental. If I am inquisitive it is purely and overtly out of curiosity or humor. Never judgement.