Anger and Fulfillment


I have been becoming so extremely angry in my work, impervious to suggestions, unable to take any critique.  Quick to become angry and bitter, unwilling to be flexible.  This is not good and I know it is not good.  Not that all their suggestions are valid nor that all mine aren’t but the mentality is extremely poisonous and robs me of any connection to my colleagues or the greater process, in the best sense.  Though there have been obvious and I think unfair impositions of one’s authority on my process and I think it is fair for me to look back angrily on those experiences.  Especially because I believe they were way far off the mark.  But the counter response, which I kind of came to the conclusion today is, who cares, it’s just work.  Who cares if their idea is counter to yours, it’s their show, their idea, just do it, take the paycheck and say fuck it.  No skin off my back, it’s truly not a big deal.  Both are fair, finding the deepest level to these characters is on the one hand the goal, but other people have different views of process and style and characterization.  It’s a mess.  It’s a giant mess and I don’t know how to resolve these angry and bitter feelings.  Also  a big part of it is how I feel like i’ve done good work, exceptional work yet have gotten little to no positive feedback, meaning work.  I’m left out to dry after having done good work for them, stepped up multiple times. Truly proven my skill.  Fuck them.  I am so angry.  Just left without a fucking bone.  I just feel completely unworthy.  The idea of placing my efforts, what I can control, I feel like I have done that to the best of my ability and have gotten good feedback. Very positive, but it doesn’t translate, i’m not wanted. It sucks, it’s so scary. But the market doesn’t lie.  If i’m not wanted as a singer then so be it.  You simply have to cast a wide net, it’s the most simple and obvious solution. Same with work, same with love, same with interests, same with friends.  You have to see where you match.  Where you fit.  There will be people where there is no chemistry.  There will be jobs that think low of you.  You have to build skills, you have to get good.  You have to put yourself out there.   You have to talk to people.  You have to build relationships.  You have to build your excellence.  It’s so important.  It’s the most important thing. People will take you for granted. Your power is in other options.  Plain and simple.  I think a big part of my unhappiness and lack of fun is that it feels like there is no point.  The deep feeling that no matter how well i do, how much effort I put in, I will not get anything in return. And that is a fair feeling and a shitty feeling.  And it seems clear that this has been the case with singing for me.  It has been the case with how I feel life works.  That one does not get returns for one’s work.  Maybe i’m overblowing myself though. Maybe i’m not as good as I think.  That is entirely possible.  But these are deep issues, personality issues, where work is limited by character.  What do I need to do, how do I deal with this.  I think I need my voice to heal, I think that influences my ability to perform successfully. I think I have good stage presence and can command myself in most of the aspects of performing.  I think I need to get my content out for others to hear. I need to sing in competitions.  I need to find auditions. I need to stay connected with domestiques i’ve worked with.  I need to build local relationships.  I think in rehearsals I need to be a good colleague, put all the shit behind you.  Do good work, be happy, be cooperative.  Be passionate, do your thing and take their notes.

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