Fun at work

I don’t know why I don’t have fun. It’s like I never learned how.  It doesn’t enter my mind when it comes to doing things. Only anxiety about doing it right, feeling potential embarrassment. As a singer I have certain processes of figuring out what to do on stage that is effective and honest and realistic, but at the end of the day I really don’t feel any thrill, any fun, any connection.  

This song i’m singing with Cabaret makes this especially pronounced. It’s a beautiful song, fun to sing, just want you would want in a song. I get zero joy from singing it, in fact boredom.  I feel empty when I sing it, full only of affect. Any criticism is taken painfully because it only adds to the feeling of embarrassment, of not being able to do it right.  When I am singing from the heart I feel no fear of criticism. There is no criticism.  I can laugh it off as inferior and if it is not inferior I can look at it face to face and feel calm.  I don’t feel connected to these things and I don’t know why.  I think I feel similarly hanging out with friends, doing hobbies, doing generally pleasurable things. I have somewhat turned a corner with hanging out with people. I feel comfortable, free to joke and kid around.  To speak openly and honestly.  But I don’t feel much satisfaction. I don’t know why.

For some reason this song is such a mind opener to this problem. There is no joy, no sense of satisfaction, no fun.  I had a thought that part of it is a resentment towards the people i’m singing for.  But even if it were to my friends id feel equally embarrassed to sing it.  Not embarrassed as in I don’t think I could do well but just an empty, why?  Why am I singing this?  Like who fucking cares. But that’s not a logical thought. The music is beautiful! I think the music is beautiful! I really do.  So it’s something deep down.  Very deep down and I don’t know what to do.  

Not that I ought to like singing everything that I sing, but I do like this music!  So I don’t know why I hate singing it haha. Maybe what’s expected of me isn’t what I feel from the music. Maybe my genuine sense of performance isn’t what is expected. I think this is a fair observation. Not that I am always right, and I am not.  But I think I can and do make good decisions, or at least the best ones I can.  The song I have been most unconfident about is a slow, lyrical croon.  I sing it nonchalantly and with a little smile. Exactly how the real crooners did it!  I am expected to give more, but the song doesn’t call for it!  On the next song I do give more, because it does! The next song digs in, it’s raunchy and needs more of that lean, that stage charisma, and I give it!  So then there must be a next step.  I have to simply not listen.  Or listen, try it, but throw it away if it doesn’t work.  You have to be true to what you think is right, otherwise there is no point in doing any of this, if there is no you in it.  And, remember that others will pounce on you to do it their way.  They will not trust your process, they will not believe in you.  There is not much that you can do about this.  You HAVE to put up with it though, you have to smile and listen and try their suggestions.  But you do not have to keep them.  

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