Problem solving the connection

Wow, it really does come down to problem solving.  So let’s figure this out.

 

  1. There is ambiguity in our relationship, where it stands and where it’s going and where we might want it to go.  I personally prefer a monogamous relationship and ideally it would become that. That would require a non long distance setup.  I would have to move to Austin and work there, I would no longer be an opera singer.  I would need another career.  
  2. Where we stand at this point, ambiguous. Spending time together costs money directly and indirectly. While there I am not working. The longer I spend, the less I am earning.  If I only spend a little amount of time there I am not getting complete value out of my plane ticket. This method is clearly impossible in the long term and nearly impossible in the short term.  The crux is obvious though. I’d have to live with her without an apartment of my own. At least one there, I could continue to send money back to Minneapolis for rent.  The breakup would potentially then become extremely detrimental. Id have to leave my job there, if i was working there. Id have to buy a plane ticket back to minneapolis.  This scenario is dogshit. It’s just dogshit all around. There really aren’t any satisfying answers. The most satisfying is to acknowledge that this relationship will never build to monogamy and that we are simply spending this time together purely temporaryily.  It is essentially vacation time with your temporary lover. It’s fine and it’s a thing, but not sure if I’m satisfied with it.  
  3. Her intentions.  She has pure fomo. Monogamy and fomo don’t mix.  My obvious sense is that she deeply is not interested in a long term relationship. I sense it, I know it, and it’s not even the I don’t want to believe it. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. I totally get it and have learned my lesson in trying to pursuade someone to go against their deep nature.  
  4. I don’t think we are a good external match.  I don’t have a stable professional or emotional life. She wants someone who does, she does, and that’s totally fair and completely awesome. She has friends, I do not.  These are deep issues and honestly, unreconcialable.  She has fomo, she wants to do everything and experience everything and she can afford it. I cannot.  I will, to her core standards, be holding her back. Whether or not she says it now, 5 years down the road that will come up, there will be those regrets.
  5. Chemistry personally.  It’s an odd one.  We are very very different personally. I suppose classically that’s a good thing.  She is refreshing.  She is sexy.  I enjoy being around her.  And she seems to enjoy being around me.  But I have deep emotional problems, which I’ve told her. But that doesn’t make them any easier to deal with or any better.
  6. My best solution, which she fairly is wary of, is to essentially go all in. Just move there and try to get each other to hate each other. Just be super honest about the whole process. But she feels uncomfortable and that’s totally fair and I will not impose.  She has never lived with a partner before which is a bit dumfounding. Kind of incredible but it’s clearly the source of this anxiety.  Again, totally fair.
  7. The opposite end. I cannot afford to keep visiting this way. I cannot afford those plane tickets and lost work. And just getting some sex for it is not worth it to me.  I want something deeper. To share life, to share that time. And it comes down to that feeling: I’m sick of falling asleep at night alone.  
  8. Organic approach: visit her May 20 to June 4th.  Then again June 20th to mid august. Splitting plane tickets it’s about 500 dollars total, that’s alright, I can swing that.  At the end of that time there would have to be a decision to either move there or end the connection.  There would no longer be any justification for “long distance” plus I simply couldn’t afford it.  God damn 5 weeks not working is fucking scary, shit 7 with tonsil rehabilitation.  My sense is I’ll be 3-4 thousand in the hole from expenses. With no real way to make it up unless I can find some sort of work while I’m down there.  But that is extremely unlikely and unsatisfying, especially for such a short period of time.
  9. I won’t be able to go for the three weeks. I just can’t, it’s impossible and it would be putting myself at extreme risk, at extreme detriment. If I had the money and the career opportunities I would love to. But I do not. I have nothing close to such things.  For the two weeks before the surgery, that seems more realistic.  I can find a job after the surgery and work for the 5 weeks before Lakes Area.
  10. Attempting to move the surgery earlier, late may. Seems unlikely and would be nice to get down to Austin in May.  
  11. Going down for the two weeks. It will cost money but there is no way I’ll be getting a job during that time so I’m technically not missing out on income.  
  12. I want to talk to her though. I want to get to know her, I want to make this real. A real connection.  Really spend that time.  I don’t want to wait for the weekend.
  13. I’m scared

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