Real Relationship

Yet when it all seems clear my heart churns.  Just a glance and my heart is racing.  I don’t know what to say.  I want more of this haha, I want the connection! I want to get closer and have her.  Why is she looking so cute? So unfair. Probably this married lady, I tried to speak a few words but nothing.  So young looking ahh. Young mom I guess.

I don’t feel attractive haha, its everything: the income, the stability.  I don’t have a good job and don’t really have any clue how to get one. It’s this crazy mystery and one that seems so unsolvable.  I’m scared as fuck.  If it were just me I would take it in stride but the painful part is that it is deeply detrimental to any relationship that I try to begin.  I’m a fucking loser who never grew up growing a faith in himself. My sense is that others feel somewhat similarly stuck.  But there has to be a way to push past it.  I don’t want to feel dissatisfied with these things.

The deepest thing is that I know I’d only be holding her back. I just can’t hang.  And it’s fucking sad. It’s really fucking sad but hey man that’s how it fucking goes.  Can’t worry, if something like that is the deciding factor then so fucking be it.  Then it isn’t worth it. It will never work out in the end. If that love isn’t there then it isn’t there.

I want to talk more on the phone with her. Make this shit real. Life is too short. If it’s no good then good, good to know.  Because it will be more of the same the further it goes down the road.

I feel like a loser. What do I say to her friends about what I do.  Say I’m a fucking failure, I tried and failed as an opera singer? How do I call myself an opera singer when I don’t have gigs.  I cant.  It fucking matters. Even if I were to ask a girl out how can I invite her back go my shitty apartment. Well I guess it limits the kind of girls I can be involved with. It sucks, I’m so far behind.  It didn’t have to be this way, this stupid way.  I suppose you can’t rush the process.  You cant.  Just have to problem solve.  You just have to problem solve. Why didn’t anyone fucking tell me this before? Wtf? God damn my childhood was so fucked. Why didn’t they help me be a fucking adult, not a perennial dependant. Why? It’s insane.  What the fuck happened? Well, can’t change the past.

It’s to ones advantage to be successful. And that is my goal. It fucking matters.  But again, you can’t rush the process. And so much of this shit should have been dealt with years ago, but alas here I am.

And man, there is no way she wants a long term thing haha. There’s no way, and it’s just more of the same if it’s long distance. The fact she didn’t want me to stay longer shows this. I get it and it’s totally fair, but a mechanical mismatch. If we were hooking up randomly when I lived in Austin, then it would make sense, the situation would make perfect sense. But as it stands now it does not, mechanically it does not and it reveals true intentions.  And hers are not of connection.  I get it, I see it, of course not a big deal, just a mismatch.

Just get your business done. Do what you need to do. You will end up naturally with who you are supposed to be with.  And if you end up with no one then that is fine too, can’t force these things.

Get your business done.

You have it so good, you can’t feel depressed.  You’ve achieved mastery in your field, not my highest mastery but mastery.  To get that rare chance is once in a lifetime and you can never take that for granted.  Especially in a career path that you were so deeply stunted early on, completely unfairly.  To have gotten this far is a fucking incredible. You were almost ruined. Don’t ever feel shameful or embarassed or bummed out or inferior.  It’s really something incredible, and it’s internal, to reach that profeciency is freaking cool.  This understanding. Don’t you ever feel inferior.  I made dog shit money, and wasn’t able to make it long term, but I fucking made it. I made it to the show. That never goes away.  You fucking did it.

 

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