Why am I unhappy

Why am I unhappy. I don’t know. I don’t think I feel entitled to a different life. I don’t think things necessarily should have turned out a different way, I totally get why I am here in the situation I am in.  I don’t feel owed anything.  I don’t know why I am unhappy.  I don’t feel owned relationships and friendships, I know what I dont have them. I suppose a big part of it is the lack of, I dont know how to put it.  The lack of the ability to make friends, to form relationships.  But I can and do! I am just starting to! Bit by bit.  But it all just feels too late. I always feel like the odd man out, and I am, and there are very real reasons why that is the case. I think I am selfish and self centered but who isn’t, maybe most people are like that. I cant imagine a successful social situation.  I can’t imagine going into some group and liking the people there or them liking me.  I feel like I would have to put on a face and personality to be likeable.  My sense now is that is probably the crux of the problem and why it sucks to be social. If I have to put all this energy into falseness of course I will be suffering.  Haha, but it is only validated in most situations, even when I am being myself, that they still dont like me haha. Well well. I don’t feel the same distance I used to feel though. I feel like I can connect infinitely better, in the long term. I suppose it just comes down to chemistry and interest, timing. You kind of have to put yourself out there and do the things you love. Connect that way.  But I suppose a lot of this is besides the point, or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is the crux of my feelings of unhappiness, a lack of connection a lack of friendships and relationships. I love talking to people, I love interacting. I love it. It’s so much fun.  It seems like this is a big part of my sorrow.  Money, it’s kind of the same deal. If it is a limiting factor than so be it.  I can’t help it. I do the best I can with what i’ve got.  If the friendship or relationship has to fall away then so be it, you cant force these things. It’s kind of pure in a way.  Stability. I am scared but I can do what needs to be done. I can find work.  It’s ok.  It’s not the ideal situation, it really isnt. But its where I am at and complaining obviously wont achieve anything.  You kind of have to think in terms of your ideal

 

-work that you like

-be around the people you like

-make fun things

-do fun things

-think fun things, feel fun things

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