Afraid to talk
I am afraid to talk with A over the phone. I wasn’t before but now I am. I feel sheepish and skittish. Like my eyes are darting around, terrified and jittery at having to walk into this arena. I don’t feel good. My throat hurts and when I went to the bathroom I had a weird look on my face. I think being sick is still affecting me and I am not sure what to do. I feel like running and hiding, knowing I have to take this call but ready for it to be over. This is obviously probably not the healthiest way of looking at these things. It should be a treasure, a treat. It is. I am just tired. I am sleepy and feel an obligation. There is none, can only be honest.
I dont know the character, I don’t know myself
This mentality has been extremely effective in how I relate to the world/myself/other people as well as how I interpret characters. I take this natural, welling up approach. The character makes decisions for me. I suppose I have taken that perspective into real life too. Just let the character make decisions. Let the character react to the moment. I still feel deeply unhappy and out of control though. This idea has been wonderful and I feel so much more empowered but something is still deeply missing and I am not sure what to do. Maybe therapy is an option again. It is, I need to try again. Just try.
The paradigm shift
I feel it now. It’s ok to be happy. Put the race aside. I’ll be happy once I get this… It never happens. It’s just ok. It’s deep inside.