Afraid to Talk

Afraid to talk

I am afraid to talk with A over the phone.  I wasn’t before but now I am.  I feel sheepish and skittish.  Like my eyes are darting around, terrified and jittery at having to walk into this arena.  I don’t feel good. My throat hurts and when I went to the bathroom I had a weird look on my face. I think being sick is still affecting me and I am not sure what to do.  I feel like running and hiding, knowing I have to take this call but ready for it to be over. This is obviously probably not the healthiest way of looking at these things.  It should be a treasure, a treat.  It is. I am just tired. I am sleepy and feel an obligation.  There is none, can only be honest.  


I dont know the character, I don’t know myself

This mentality has been extremely effective in how I relate to the world/myself/other people as well as how I interpret characters.  I take this natural, welling up approach. The character makes decisions for me.  I suppose I have taken that perspective into real life too.  Just let the character make decisions.  Let the character react to the moment.  I still feel deeply unhappy and out of control though. This idea has been wonderful and I feel so much more empowered but something is still deeply missing and I am not sure what to do.  Maybe therapy is an option again. It is, I need to try again.  Just try.  


The paradigm shift

I feel it now.  It’s ok to be happy.  Put the race aside.  I’ll be happy once I get this… It never happens. It’s just ok. It’s deep inside.  

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