Yeah I mean I am having to come to grips with so many parts of my nature.  Especially over the past few months the emotional roller coaster has been nuts. Stupid fucking coffee, it fucked me up so much, and you know what. I can blame it, it was nuts, it messed with my mood so hard.  But on to A.  She is on another level than me. She is stout and I am just beginning.  I feel like a schmuck.  Now last night she didn’t want to cuddle with me half way through the night.  Which I get, I had had some booze and was overheating. But I was so fucking lonely.  So god damn lonely.  I felt shut out and bitter.  Just worthless. And that’s not the problem. I totally get it, and I’m not at all mad at her, but I am disturbed my fragility.  Any little slight is crushing and this is a symptom I feel in many other arenas. The answer is to keep putting myself in these experiences and working through them. This is obvious. But my god I am far behind and my god I want this worry to be over. And God damn it has to be skill. It has to come down to skill.  Singing is so different now that I feel somewhat competent.  I want that in the social realm. You are going to bomb. You’re going to look incompetent, because you are. It’s ok.  Develop yourself you’re style. Anyways. Back to A. What sucks is.. this nature of mine. To settle down, to find equalibrium. But that’s not even a detrimental thing. I want to do so much shit with her.  But it sucks to know how temporary this is.  It’s such a fucking weird feeling. And I even know this will never work out. She is great to talk to but there isn’t a true chemistry.  She doesn’t really laugh at my jokes and doesn’t take part in my admittedly goofy creativity and experimentation.  She’s sane, she is so far removed from crazy.  I just feel a disconnect.  She is always there to listen.  But the disconnect is in personality and even more, humor. Which sucks because I believe in it and love humor. And it’s just not the right chemistry.  But am I being picky? No I’m not. I think it’s mostly a combo of my lack of stability and skill and her kind of even headedness.  I also know she, through pretty obvious conversations, has very imbedded plans for herself. Ambitions for herself and sees me as a mere nuance to this. Which is fair and I knew it and have articulated it before.  But it just sucks and I feel kind of like a fool. Mostly because of the money.  I am scared.  I have enough, but I still feel like I wasted too much in NYC. She has an expensive sense of fun haha.  Not really but kind of.  Travel is so expensive.  Housing is so expensive. Basically I fucked up. Ahh, I thought air bnb would be viable!! Fuck. 200 dollars for two nights.  That God damn shitty Italian food. Those god damn 12 dollar drinks.  We can’t see eye to eye because she doesn’t have to. Plain and simple.  But we were in nyc, of course you have to take in all you can. But ahh, I fucked up.  But it was a grey area.  Now I am busy lamenting rather than enjoying the memory. But again, my life is filled with this clumsiness.  So where do I go with this? Fuck. I like her a lot and she is fantastic to be around. But I know she will tire of me.  And man that fucking sucks. Learning to make friends, well again, it will be clumsy so don’t expect anything more. Got to just take your time with it.  Just make it happen.  So the big weakness.  I don’t want to keep talking to her. Why? Two reasons. 1. Wtf we can never date and she isn’t very creative with texting, I have to make it fun.  Somewhat same in real life but she will start a conversation but I’m so clumsy I have a hard time interacting that way. She is used to operating at a higher level with people.  It just sucks, our styles are so different they don’t necessarily synergize correctly.  It’s just not the right connection. I can’t ever imagine living with her long term. It would be fucking great but I’d feel like I was missing out on a soul to soul connection. Time is never running out. Fuck it. It’s worth it to be with someone you really fucking love. I don’t love Adrianne. I do but I dont. I’ve tried, but we can’t connect. And I think it’s more my fault than hers. She is the shit.  I think I’m just a piece of shit.  My depth is weak. But maybe it’s not I don’t know.  She is happy and I am not. That is the difference and it matters most.  I want to keep the connection but I don’t want to lie to her if I’m out with someone else, that fucking sucks.  I don’t want to know about her dating other people. And that’s not her fault and she should never feel like she has to lie. But I don’t fucking want to know. I don’t want to know she’s getting fucked by some other guy. Fuck that.  Not interested. So wtf do we do? I don’t know and there is no obvious answer.  I don’t know what to do. My sense is is that I have to change. Change into someone with a girl in every city.  Keep in contact with her but keep no feelings. And maybe that’s totally fine.  Not sure what my feelings are anyway. She’s cool, and I like that.  If anything she will get tired of me and find someone else who is further along. Totally get it.  Sucks to have spent this money but it’s been a good experience. Been pretty fun. I also feel unproductive with her, which is not ok. Only in that hanging with her doesn’t feel as rewarding! It sucks but that’s how I feel. It’s not fun. She doesn’t crack jokes. But she is a pleasure to be around. Again, I have no friend and she has a lot. So maybe the issue isn’t with her but with me. But you can tell! That molly girl laughed at my shit so hard. It’s fun. A doesn’t.  But I’ve dated girls with a great sense of humor and that isn’t always the best match either. It’s fucked.  But I cant spend this money like this.  And it’s clear she doesn’t want to live together, for good reason.  Maybe I don’t either. Holy fuck.  I’m fucked up and don’t know how to get close to people.  I try god damnit but she isn’t forth coming with stories. Wtf. I feel like any question I ask is met with just a generic answer and when she asks me I feel bored telling the story because she won’t give anything back. But I am not without the same criticism. I leave people to dry all the time. I just blank and it gets so awkward.  She doesn’t want to commit and I totally get that. No point in trying to force it or worry about it. Keep going forward with what you want out of life. Can’t worry about having others fit some vague ideal you might hold and don’t even want to hold.  If it’s right it’s right and you’ll know.  Until then just talk and interact. She is a pimp and I like her a lot.  And I feel lucky to know her.

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