Well. It’s all fucked it feels like. So the classic paradigm shifts that work for an instant then vanish into more anxiety is not working, still not working but out of desperation I had to try. I’m just bogged down and unhappy. What am I afraid of? I’m not sure, it’s unclear. I don’t feel like I’m afraid of others but I suppose I am. Generically I’m afraid of having nothing to say. I don’t think I’m afraid of ridicule, I suppose I expect it at this point. I’m not afraid of being hurt. But there is this instinct in me to look down on others. To attack them and to feel above them. To feel superior. I suppose the natural opposite feeling is feeling inferior to them. Which is pretty realistic. So I feel inferior. Yeah I mean that’s about right but I’m not sure how much it helps me. But that’s definitely the feeling. Not sure how to challenge it. I mean in all reality every symptom seems to point to my being inferior and inadequate and incapable. And I dont know how to change that. What is inferior about me? Well I guess the humanistic answer is that there is nothing, that I have the same responsibility as others, the same nature. And I suppose in the end it’s up to me to decide. Because externally there are infinite reasons why I am less capable than other people. The fear is they might get angry if I’m happy, if I stand up for myself.
Beyond all this I want to get to maybe something more practical, less of a sweeping fix. I mean what the fuck happened? What thr fuck is happening? What is my perception? I mean in reality I’m not really afraid. I suppose with professional contacts I feel somewhat stifled because all I want to do is complain or that my opinions are sharply different from theirs. But that’s normal and a part of professional life and also who cares? I have nothing to prove, I’m not changing anything, I’m not winning anything. Talk about fun things, if the debatable things come up then so be it but it’s not a big deal, no reason to take it there. As the group gets larger I have a harder time finding my place. But it’s certainly not as a 2nd class citizen. Don’t ever feel that you have to contribute out of necessity. It will always fall flat. So I suppose sometimes it comes up where I may not be interested. And it’s interesting because there obviously is no obligation. And I feel no angst towards it, I’m not creating, they are and I appreciate that. I think fun is something to be shared and maybe that’s the greater point of it all. Previously and recently the point I felt it was was posturing, puffing up, taking, taking the advantage, being better than them. Making them envious. I mean my god if that’s the point of having company holy fuck that’s obviously sociopathic and narcissistic. And no one in their right mind wants to be around someone like that. Secretly vindictive and looking to see you get hurt. That’s been how I approach social situations. Genuine joy of sharing and communication is nonexistent. And I try and try and try to cover up my vindictiveness with fake concern and fake conversation. I want them to worship me to feel inferior to me. But of course I don’t, but I do deep down, it’s really fucked up. There’s no comfort of communication because we are at war. Positioning and countering. It’s a battle rather than just sharing and being happy haha, holy shit. I feel this pressure, this rigidity. And somehow I cant let it go and I don’t know why or how. I feel unsafe. Deeply unsafe. So I’ve had a bit of time to think about it and there might be a big part of of this fear that comes from the scarcity mentality which I definitely grew up with. Not the abundance mentality. And the unsafeness perennially comes from hearing about successful people, happy people, empowered people. And with that scarcity mentality I feel deeply troubled and envious that they will be taking “what’s mine”. Maybe there is a deep sense of being owed things at play. That I am owed these great things. Money, women, success, talent etc. That it is something of course inherent in my life, something I deserve but just haven’t been given yet, haven’t gotten yet. Now of course I know the world isn’t going to give me anything. That the world doesn’t care about me one bit. But I feel it deep down. This feeling that I am owed these things, that I deserve these things. But of course the opposite is true. If I want them I am going to have to go and get them. I think deep down I’m lazy and feel entitled. If you want something you’re going to have to go after it and get it.
Adventure, what keeps me from it. Skydiving. I have zero feeling towards it. My senses are dull I think. It’s weird, is it because I feel like I can’t afford it? But that’s my upbringing talking, don’t spend. Don’t spend to have fun. Do safe things. I mean it must be a product of that old sense of lack of self reliance. I am responsible and adventure empowers that self reliance. That inner sense that I am challenging the world. Rather than shying away saying, deeply, that I am too scared to do it, that I can’t reasonably do it.
So why don’t I want to skydive. I don’t want to do it just to prove I’m not a pussy. And what of the after party. See everyone who accomplished it and me missing out. I get it. But man I just don’t care. Indoor rock climbing. I don’t care. But wtf. I mean I’m not against it in any way. Part of me feels it’s stupid lol, but only indoors. Outdoors fuck yeah, have fun. I just feel stupid doing it. Why? I’d love to do it outdoors. Bike riding in the city. I don’t give a shit. But is it because of lack of ambition, lack of vision? Maybe. What do I want to do here? I do have work to do, and certainly emotional and life problems to tackle. And I have and am. I’m taking the time I need. I have to think about these things otherwise they will never go away. They will just plague me. Outdoors. I love it. But God I feel weird going out alone. God I feel so weird about it. Sucks to explore alone. But do I have no choice? No I don’t think so. I’d love to ride my bike a long distance with someone. See stars with someone. Fuck. But when I’m around people I’m combative lol. I suppose it’s all intertwined. I see the difference now though, that we are all in the same boat. You get to go after what you want and decide what that is.