My narcissism

I was just thinking about why the fuck A likes me. And my first thought was the novelty of my work and talent. My next thought was wondering whether she had shown my recordings with her friends and how they would be wowed by me too. How they would want to be my friend and I could feel important and powerful. That I would be the center of attention. That I would be popular.

Now the opposite feeling is when someone else comes in who either would have the same novelty or another novelty job or another person who doesn’t rely on the novelty of their work for attention comes in and the attention goes to them and away from me. For me then there is no recovery. I feel lost and alone. Out of place. Just empty, blank. Inferior, inferior to the person coming in. The attention is away from me. I feel like no one likes me. Just empty. Like all my friends have been taken away.

I mean most of this is delusion and appearances. My worth isn’t taken away by anyone. It’s a new person to get to know. A new friend to make. A new personality to enjoy.

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