Well, I have a manager. It’s the biggest step a singer can make and holy jesus I made it. So there is a lot of change in store. And the biggest one is moving to nyc. It’s important and I’ll have to do it for the first two years of the contract. I would rather be in Minneapolis but I think the opportunity warrants the move. And I know I can figure it out and deal with it, I have time and the connections out there. I will need to make a separate write up on the move and strategizing it.
My own feelings of inadequacy. My feeling is that I am not ready. That I am not good enough. That I can’t do the job. And the fear is singing with orchestra, hands down. I’m terrified of it. Especially in a concert setting where I can’t see the conductor. It scares the piss out of me. But it’s a requisite in the business. It scares the hell out of me because there is so much potential for disaster. My god I could ruin a show. And hearing the Shining recordings I pretty much ruined a lot of it. It’s terrifying and my Achilles heel. I hate it. I don’t know what to do. I have a lot of experience but it still feels like im stabbing in the dark. I hate it, it’s so fucking scary and I can’t hear shit. I’ve tried to hear it better but it’s just impossible. Messiah was better and gave me a bit of confidence. But I rush, I rush and rush and rush. I’m not sure how to beat this out of me. I’ve tried to lag behind but end up getting simply behind. I think I need to just suck it up and do metronome training. I think it’s critical. Maybe start with my arias and go from there? It needs to happen. I need some sense of bearing and confidence. Something to hold on to. I have to. Practice your music with it and your arias, all your rep. Sing through everything with a metronome.
Lifestyle: fuck it. I’m a loner and getting a job in the cities probably won’t help that. I mean maybe but I need to pursue this, whatever happens happens but I have to. Family? Fat chance, relationship? Fat chance. It would be nice to try but I don’t see it happening, no one of quality, especially with my shitty brain and shitty skillset. Not much I can do. I’ve tried to date and I am a bewildering failure. Fuck it. Go for the career, not like I didn’t try. It’s in my bones to be a fuck up, so fuck it. Let’s do it on the biggest stage possible.
I feel reluctant to begin work on the contract. It’s an odd feeling. And clearly it has to be eradicated. You are a professional now. None of this anger or laziness applies anymore. You have a job to do and I want to pay my bills, a life to pay for.