Social Creativity

That fear of something. Fear that they won’t like me or that they will get angry at me.  But I don’t know what it’s all about.  I don’t even know if that’s the issue. But there is this deficiency of creating in the verbal realm, really in all realms maybe. Ok that’s fair.  God damn, the, it’s ok to be different paradigm just charges in with perfect accuracy. It’s ok to be different.  I see it. And it’s perfectly different.  It’s ok, it’s ok.  But it doesn’t help and it evaporates so quickly, so easily.  It’s a tough learning curve and I am struggling at the very bottom of it.  Just floundering at the very bottom of it.  What strikes me is that it kind if comes down to nm the natural process of creativity.  You have to put paint to canvas and then take a step back.  You can only learn by doing.  And I do feel infinitely more comfortable among others than I used to. But go about it your way.  Make it yours, your style.  But the desire, is it just success that breeds desire? I want that need to put pen to paper in the social realm. I mean I think I am feeling it and the bad is falling away.  I am able to see my weaker thoughts more clearly and directly.  Don’t worry about the skill, just make it yours.  Just make it yours.  
It’s all fucked.  I had an image of what it would be like to get rid of the desire, the deep need to become popular, to please the popular kids.  To have that all gone.  To not have felt that pull. It has ruined my life. The sense is so beautiful.  That I can be out on my own.  I don’t know if it’s necessarily translating to my current life but the thought is really stunning and potent.  I do feel revitalized.  A bit like the noise has gone away.  But it’s all layers I guess.  It seems so thick and whole when looking back but in the moment it is a bit thin, a bit wide of the mark.  I want to achieve. I want to do everything.  Forget all that shit from your past. It’s all gone, done, and worthless.  I can picture my whole life without that fear. So fruitful and bright. Filled with happiness and warmth.  As much as these things aren’t always effective, i think it’s really important to pursue these writings and these paradigm shift.  

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