I feel guilty, but there are things that bother me about A. Real things, systemic things. I genuinely perceive these things and I think that I am correct. I am also finding myself taking them out on her. I mean not on her but not being able to genuinely respond affectionately. It’s a big deal and I’m not sure what to do. But there are people that are flexible. They don’t look at people the way I do. And they are happy. They don’t judge as harshly. And I can absolutely be judged in fhe same way. I have massive weaknesses that could be seen as unrecoverable. Damaged goods. I am not the Messiah and I am not above this. So maybe I need to let up? But these things do bother me. But I do the same things! I don’t know how to let it go. Ok let’s be specific.
She doesn’t create. When we are taking she doesn’t tell jokes, she doesn’t try to entertain me, she doesn’t try to joke around. I’m left hanging having to not make the conversation die. But at the same time I can barely hold a conversation with people. I struggle with being social. I struggle with group and individual conversations. So who the hell am I to talk, to be frustrated. I’m being prissy. Holy shit I am being prissy. Ok. Yup.
But I am headstrong. Is this good? Hmm. Relate to everyone? I mean there are people who can relate to everyone. I am burning bridges for no reason. I see it. It’s true. Why? Why?? Hmm. It’s not ok.