This trip to visit A

I don’t need reminding but I wanted to write about this upcoming visit to Austin to visit A.  It’s three weeks.  And my deep feeling towards the situation of dating is that it is impossible. Not that it’s impossible for anyone, but that it’s impossible for us. That there IS some sort of connection but she has no interest in dating, in taking things further, as a human being, as a value system. It is not in her interest whatsoever and I know that.  It’s so blatant and obvious. So I’m not quite sure how to go forward with this. My general feeling is to just enjoy the time, enjoy the three weeks. It’s all a disaster. It is. It’s too expensive, I can’t afford this. I’m spending all the money I’ve worked to save.  But I am consoled by my death. That all of this will be erased and won’t really matter. So might as well fuck with it, fuck with life. I am going to be smart about spending, which I have to do and I worry will cause tension. But so be it, it would only cause tension with a shitty person.

Love? Nah. It’s not and I am not a fool. And I’m not going to be strung along.  But not to say I don’t want to develop the connection as deeply as I can. As deep and fun as it will go.

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