Why does my brain come up short in conversation? It does. Aside from all this paradigm stuff, a lot of times my brain just comes up short of something to say in a short term conversation and in a long term conversation. Ok, obviously it comes down to paradigm right. The desperation of having to come up with something to say is clearly a paradigm thing. Feeling not good enough if I don’t come up with something to say is clearly a paradigm thing. Not having fun until I come up with something to say is clearly an issue.
Adrianne just gave a very subconscious passive threat. She needs to plan to find someone to bike ride with. Yeah, friends don’t do that, partners do. And I cant be her partner. It is a zero big deal that she brought it up this way, but I did notice and it is important. And there is nothing I can do about it. I am happy to talk to her in a couple weeks, but right now I cannot because of the tonsils. And my god they look like shit haha, these gaping wounds. Yuck. Fucking craters, a war zone.
I have this time alone, think about the paradigm. But yeah, the paradigm of hanging out. I can’t just relax and have fun. That doesnt exist to me, which is ridiculous. And it’s always the same thing. It’s ok. You’re ok. You don’t have to worry etc. But I do, and I feel it. My way right? I suppose that’s the next answer. It’s not being worried about what other people are going to think. It’s ok. God damn it’s all so fucked up. It’s true and transformational. But gone in an instant. I hate it. I don’t get it. So now? How do I deal with this now? Not sure. It does help. But man my throat does not feel great. It does matter. But there is that ever present feeling that I am not good enough. Especially when I am around people whom I deem good enough. And it could be infinite things that intimidate me. Most of them are accomplishments and personality, mostly personality. So basically something I feel weakest on? Hmm. It really does come down to sense of self I suppose. But even that has to do with feeling ok. But I do feel intimidated. You just have to throw it all away and say it doesnt matter. You have to. You cannot win. There is no other way to win.
I like the freedom of this way of thinking. That I can do no wrong, that I can live the way I want to. That I am free.
What are podcast ideas? Fun podcast ideas. None really haha. I mean I kind of just want to rant. I have no knowledge of opera that I would ever want to say. Most is too controvercial and probably, honestly, ignorant as fuck haha. And I know it would probably just turn into a rant. A rant that opera is obselete and pointless. Which it kind of is. Yuck. I am so cynical about it. I shouldnt be. But I am, especially after the shining. It’s fucking dead. Singing is dead. They’re all posers. They don’t know. But thats not fair, you cant be an elitist. That’s a mindset of the exclusive, which is fair I guess. But they matter and others are our audiences. Not to pander. But you cant blame others. They are allowed to like or dislike. And I sang really well in my recordings… and I sound like shit. So maybe I don’t know. Maybe i’m a piece of shit. Maybe. Well mother fuck. But yeah, my recordings suck ass. They are unusable. But the recordings for MPR sounded great, same process. My mics are not that far shittier. I don’t know what to do. It has to be reverb but I don’t know how to do it. I have the tone corrected but it has to have that hollow sound. I don’t know what to do. It’s kind of sad. But the mic’s might not work anymore. They’re ok for podcasting but what the hell happened with my singing? Why do they sound so shitty? It must be me not singing directly into them. Maybe. I need to figure it out. But they are worth keeping and fun to put out I suppose decent content. Can I integrate it all? I’m not sure. I hate having to hide it, but it helps. It helps to keep anonymity in order to feel free to say and do whatever I want. Maybe adding the singing component is iffy because it conflicts with my professional life. But I am happy to put everything else up.