Loser

I just think I always knew that I was a loser. A man on the outside.  How interesting. Never allowed to take part. My memory is very skewed and it’s me that’s been blank. Inside me, me. Deep inside is just blank and underdeveloped. I havent spent enough time with myself, in a way. My god my brain feels fried, just fried, deep fried. Writing does help though. It helps to condense all this shit.  But there is an extremely important aspect of self which is interaction. I need to talk to other people. Its critical to get to know oneself. An mma fighter cant get better by sparring with himself. Visualization needs experience. But what happens when my brain comes up short?  I try to talk to people in line, and nothing comes. I mean it’s not necessarily an experience thing. I don’t think it’s an intelligence thing. I think it’s a permission thing. Whatever that means or wherever it comes from that’s what I think it is. The permission to be different. Oh god, I can feel it, I mean it’s it. But when it goes away it’s heart breaking. It’s ok to be different.. I mean that’s it. But where does that mentality find its anchor. Because if you asked me anytime I would obviously say, yes , its ok to be different.. That is accurate. But I don’t see it, I don’t live in it. Even though I know it, something deep down rejects it, cant let it take over. It’s ok to act independently. The idea of permission. It’s disturbing. And ive obviously felt it my whole life. Why hasn’t it gone away?  How is this mentality so strong in me and not in others? I mean it is truly paralyzing and without it, I feel free, completely normal.  Dynamic and fulfilled. But when I don’t see it, and i know when i dont see it, because I feel empty and blank, just crushed, it feels impossible to get back. I don’t know why I learned to think this way. It’s not ok. But it is me. It was me that adopted it and me alone. And it’s the lack of worry that others are going to make fun of me, or judge me, or laugh at me for being different. It’s my own courage.  My own courage and defiance that’s lacking.  That whatever anyone else things, it just doesn’t really matter. That it has nothing to do with me. It really matters and there really seems to be no alternative to finding value and meaning in life. No accomplishment or not status, no security. Its that feeling where I can step out of my own skin. Classically put, it’s not worrying about what other people think about me. But it’s a deep down thing, it’s not just a saying. All of a sudden I am free. It’s beautiful. It really is permission. And god damn i never felt I had it for the longest time. Way too long of a time. Just stifled and smothered by life and this monster, monster of opinion, of others. I don’t know why. Probably an infinite amount of things. Technically put, I thought in terms of lose/win, being the nice guy. But it’s not even that specifically.  Now the next issue is well, beyond seeing it is living it in life, dynamic life, filled with anxieties new and old. But man, life becomes beautiful with this mentality. But I am easily intimidated and I lose this mentality so quickly it seems. I suppose this is where visualisation comes in? Trying haha. Well my sense is the most valuable way of spending the time, is not to prepare in a sense, but to work in the now. Develop the mentality in the now.
And the jealousy hits. So what do I do? How do i deal with this?  The paradigm gets burst and I feel crushed and worthless. Petty and small. Well, where does the permission come in? Where does the being different come in? I sense others having more than me, being happier than me, and I feel stolen from, without anything. So there must then be that mentality that I have to have more than others. Maybe not even. Just that it is clear that others have more than me. And it’s true. They do, and many have much more. All I want to do is see sad people and to feel superior. It’s awful but that’s how I feel and what I want. But when there are people who are happier and more successful, I feel like dirt. Again, where does the permission come from, to be happy, to be different. Maybe it changes the dynamic, the face of the problem. That I have the strength to face it. I am not happy with certain things. Money, friends, success etc. You have to pursue this, it’s the only way i’ll ever feel satisfied with life. I do feel envious. I do. I think in the end, it’s the idea that is has nothing to do with me. Other’s success or failures have nothing to do with my success and my failure. If I want to have more, it’s pretty clear where I have to put my energies.

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