My Feelings on All This

Well, the conversation with A was very revealing.  It revealed a very passive and tentative mentality that I have.  That my vision of my professional and personal life is very weak and undeveloped. Which I think I knew but haven’t been made aware of this clearly.  I suppose this is something I deal with and it’s just a part of the whole thing. Can’t rush the process and can’t beat you self up about it. But it was extremely revealing and she helped so much. You can’t do this alone, you can’t go through life reinventing the wheel.  You need help and input. Take the good and leave the bad, it’s the best advice you can ever give.


Am i satisfied with the writeup. Yes and no. Yes in that I think it describes my outlook but no in that my outlook is pretty basic and underdeveloped.  But I think it’s a fair set of goals and you can’t rush or overthink the process.  


What strikes me is that I’m surely, just upset and grumpy all the time. And it’s nothing chemical, it’s how I look at things and how I deal with things. A is rock solid, doesn’t stress, and I want her to, so I can feel confident. That’s fucked up. That’s extremely antisocial behavior. But it brings to mind the paradigm of the abundance mentality. That there is enough happiness to go around. There is enough peace and love to go around.  It’s not, she is happy therefore I’m a piece of shit.  But yeah so it’s interesting and liberating. But I am about to potentially put myself in a position to collaborate, and with that mentality, fighting for a shred of happiness is extremely destructive. There is enough happiness to go around. There is enough confidence and love to go around.  You don’t have to fight for it and no one can take it from you.  If someone else is happy that doesn’t mean that you have to be sad. You can both be happy. It’s ok, they’re taking nothing from you.  My god what the fuck happened to me? Why me? Like wtf lol?? Why is it so easy for others and fucked for me. Bah, so sad and annoying but that’s how it goes.


I need to go to counseling, at least get a professionals advice and input. It’s so important and I should have done this before, I should have restarted and not given up so quickly. Search and search and search for the right fit.  


Interacting, it’s supposed to be fun. Music isn’t about, I’m better than you so look up to me, no its about collaboration and fun.  It’s about making things, and I have no clue how to do it.  You have to get practice doing masterclasses, speaking in front of young people.  Working with young people and older people. It’s really important.  But it starts with your strength and your happiness.  Your coolness, that will speak volumes and makes everything else easier. A fun challenge rather than a desperate painful struggle.  And God damn it it starts with ok.  It always does and I hate it, because when it’s gone I’m in so much pain. Well where does it come from? And why didn’t I feel it before? I don’t know. It’s the most beautiful feeling, so much strength, so much okness.  I love it and it’s critical. How do I refind it? How do I make it a part of my life? I don’t know.  It seems over time.


So let’s tackle the surlyness. Well there just is no joy.  So why is there no joy.  Well because life sucks lol? I mean that’s kind of how it feels, this underlying bitterness, that life isn’t good enough.  And that translates into I suppose I’m not good enough.  I’m deeply inadequate. That my endeavors and will and capacities will never be enough. I suppose the feeling that someone will always be better. Someone will always be happier than me. More charasmaric, more loving, more handsome.
My boredom. What excites me? Well there are a lot of things I’m experiencing now where I see a talented person and is want to do what they do, it inspires me, and I have never felt this before. But when I am sitting alone, even with someone else, my brain seems to fall flat. There doesn’t feel like there is much going on. Just zoning out. But I know I am thinking, I am thinking about things. But I don’t remember. I dont feel the life lived. That connection with myself. The feeling that I am hanging out with myself. Which is what I want. I want to feel satisfied, like I’m soaking up life, using it as my clay for fun and adventure and excitement.  I had a lot of times where I was hanging out with A and no thoughts were happening, no thoughts to connect.  No fun. No interactions. I don’t know what to do. And it starts with me, inside me. I’m not having fun. I don’t know how and it’s so important.  It’s a life thing.  And I dont know why I don’t feel it, like it’s not more rich in me. It could be a time thing and experience. I suppose I’m still relatively new to it haha. Hmm. Not sure what to do. I don’t want to always have to write to feel like I’m getting something done in a satisfying way. It’s so effective but I want to feel fun and safe on my own.  I hoestly do think a part of it has to do with the feeling of safety. I feel constantly on display, having to look cool and reject. But the opposite is beautiful. It’s pure disconnect. Pure disconnect from what others might think.  Just not even a thought of it. It’s not even a thing. And I immediately feel so much more satisfied.  I mean there is no comparison. It’s not there, then it’s there. It’s utterly liberating and if I had grown up with this feeling, this way of looking at myself and the world jesus christ things would have been different, profoundly different. It’s so stupid lol.

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