Oxy Thoughts

So where do I go with this. I actually felt pretty normal talking with J and A, I could just talk and interact normally.  It feels nice. To be among people. Ahh they’re so nice.  I want a community of friends. I want to be there for them, for others, help others, be warm and open.  Feel that safety and trust and love and caring.  That ability to entertain them and interact and have fun.  I love it, there’s no fear that I have to be a monkey, a fake for them to be friends with me.  It’s nice, and it’s nice they did this for me.  I just don’t get it. So much of me feels burdened by the fear of inconveniencing others. Basically that they don’t care and feel inconvenienced by me. That I am a hassle to them.
So what do I do now? I can feel my shit swelling like crazy.  So either it’s just from the surgery or its an infection. It feels kind of nuts so We’ll see.  Might get some ice.

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