What do I want to do before I die?

What do I want to do before I die?  
Well I’m not sure.  It’s obviously a big and complicated question.  Things I want to achieve.  I want to paint beautiful shit. I want to sing awesome shit.  I want to collaborate and make awesome shit.  Children seem like a shadow, a memory in my life, not real, not a possibility. Maybe it isnt. But man I think a lot of my apprehensions have to do with my not feeling like a man.  Feeling like a goofy and pointless child with pointless and meaningless ambitions. I think it’s a balance, do both. Family, work and hobbies.  It’s great to focus on one, but you need the core.  Man I would feel so fucking weird to never have kids.  But that’s not a reason to go after it. You can’t go after it. It’s those women who want kids so bad and marry a retard to get them. It’s no good. It’s pain.  I still even feel distant from women. From friends. I feel no sense of deep desire to connect. No love.  And I suppose why it’s pretty clear that I predict the same from others.  It’s sad and it’s scary, it’s childish and odd. I need to keep thinking about this. It’s weak. It’s fearful. It’s hiding. It’s zero courage. It really is and it’s scary. It’s not even on my radar. Having a community of friends.  It starts with your hobbies. It starts there and then fans out. Love grows. Start with what you love. It will change you, it will transform you.  

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