I mean that deep down anxiety does come from somewhere. It comes from a feeling of powerlessness which was never addressed very early on. A powerlessness to protect oneself, to achieve, to develop oneself. And I think a moral opinion that it was immoral to do so. That it would impose on others to try to achieve myself. That is ridiculous and has to be smashed forever. It’s gone. It’s fucking stupid. I can’t believe I grew up that way, i cant believe I grew up feeling that way. I cant blame others for it, I had it, I adopted it. It’s my fault. But it was detrimental. It was obviously a combination of things, not only that. But this is not ok. I am not ok. I am not feeling ok and my position is not ok. It is a balance of carpe diem and protecting myself. And I cant do anything for the sake of others. No fucking way. I knew what I was doing when I went to austin. The NYC thing was botched because of the hotel stay. I forgot how expensive it would all be. I fucked up. I fucking fucked up, but never again. Nope. You cannot do things for anyone else anymore. Lessons learned now. There is no karma. It does not exist. No fucking way. No mother fucking way.
Man, i dont know what I want to do. I have all these projects that feel pointless. At times they are super rewarding but at other times they are empty. They feel empty because I am afriad im going to have dick for retirement. Im going to have no love in my life, no family, no community. Why then? Why do all this then? Again, I have to go about life on my own, taking it all in. But I want to be around people that I like, and I am not. Hanging out with James was fucking so much fun. Just even for that little bit after surgery. I miss it. I miss having friends. But i cant be a burden to them. It’s so stupid. There is no one I can talk to. It’s the same old shit. I know what I have to do. But it still sucks, and I swear there is something wrong with my brain. I think I try to over articulate too much, i mentioned this in another write up. It helps to not do that, it really does. But still, holy shit something is wrong. Cant take it all back though. You have to just move forward and figure it out. Have to put it all aside and put that smile on your face and have fun. You have to look positiviely on it. Genuinely positively. You cant be bitter, I feel so fucking bitter about all of this. But it has no point. Just take it easy, take it one step at a time.
The problem is that I was raised as a loser. And obviously this has no value so I have to climb out of that and become, not a loser. That is the crux, that is the start. That is the starting point for any happiness.