Ok, so where do the rules of organicism and having a talk break down? I am not sure. Ok I think I am sure, I think they lie in the individual. Talking things over will not make me feel less inconsistent and undesirable. Talking will only end things. Right? Like with M, I knew that talking about things would lead to the end. But that was obviously where it was going anyway. It was painful when it ended, even though I knew it would. Ultimatum, is only when I feel like I want one. And I dont know if I do. Ok I have to go over my feelings.
Do I want to be with her? Yes and no. I don’t feel like I connect on a humor level or a deeper level. I crack jokes but I don’t get much eruptive laughter, I don’t think she actually finds me funny. She just appreciates that I try? When I was with her around others I felt no extra special connection. No extra bond that made sense that we were together. No extra chemistry that was like, oh I get it, they’re a freaking match. I dont. And I have to be honest about that. Do I with anyone? Well, jesus, I suppose I do for a little while. That one girl in NYC, it was awesome to get a laugh out of her. She was cool as shit and I loved joking around with her, I felt inspired to do so. Man, I just dont know enough women. I just dont talk to enough to know where I stand. I dont have enough data. But for the most part I do not have that connection with women. Even the ones I am close with, it is not quite the right connection. And L laughs at retards, so she doesnt count. And fuck J, she is a fucking loser, so is S. But at the same time I do make jokes and I am rarely shot down. And there is an easiness to it. But I have to go with gut. Fuck, and my gut tells me different things. My gut tells me I dont know. My gut tells me it’s not the right connection and that there is a distance. But it’s almost like two professionals working together, that’s the feel of the relationship, rather than true beautiful chemistry. It feels like two decent professionals who are working well together. But no love, no spark. We are truly opposites. But ok, when has there ever been a spark? What am i waiting for? Again, not to blame chemistry, but there isnt always something to say when I am talking to A. But again, that is not something new. And it has been better with her, such low pressure in a way. I just dont get it. That last talk, was super revealing, when we were chilling on her porch. It felt much more natural. Less pressure. No pressure. Just chilling. No need to be “doing something”.
So the talk would be about logistics? Just like, hey, where are you on this? I think the reason I dont want to talk about it is because I didnt know where I stood. Do i know more now? I am not sure. Is it worth it? I dont even know. But there is a good physical chemistry and its freaking electricity to kiss her, which has to matter. Would I be happy in the long term? Who the fuck knows. I could certainly do worse. But I do sometimes feel alone, even when I am with her, feel misunderstood. Well, we need to date more clearly. That’s pretty obvious. I don’t need to know yet. But I do sense that the connection isnt ideal. And I am sure she would as well. But that may be more me than her. Man, I don’t know what to do . It’s really tough. The biggest component is my own inconsistency. In all parts of my life. It makes any attempt to reach out extremely tentative and scary. I could commit to moving down to Austin, but then in a month we both realize that it’s no where near the right connection, which is totally possible. I mean it’s easy to romanticize when we only have 2 weeks left… 3 weeks left etc. But when it’s cold hard time. Cold hard time with friends, making my own friends, real life, it’s different. It’s a different story. It’s too easy to be alone. And that is also not good. My gut sense is that she is too good for me. I do enjoy spending time with her and for the most part I feel safe. But I also dont know her. I dont even know where to begin asking things about her. I feel this wall of anxiety, of personal anxiety and envy. I cannot relate. I just cannot and the conversation dies. It dies because she grew up happy and I grew up sad. And I have no counter stories. God damn this is fucking difficult and scary. And all these points are real and legitimate. All these anxieties are real and legitimate. Do I wait until im fucking 40 then meet the girl of my dreams? I mean jesus fucking christ. But I look at this now, and I could easily see her being like, yup.. Nope. bye. I mean it’s the obvious risk, but one infinitely easier to manage when you live in the same place. So, the issue comes down to balls I guess.
Option 1. Balls. Try to find someone in Minneapolis, put yourself out there and date. Tell A that this isnt going to work, i cant do long distance.
Option 2. Keep doing what you’re doing. Play it organically, if you meet someone better, more reasonable in circumstances, pursue it and break it off with A naturally.
Option 3. Move to where A is an try to see what happens.
Option 2 and 3 are most attractive. I will be dead someday and option 3 kind of seems the most attractive in one sense, but in the more realistic sense option 2 seems the most obvious. But at the same time where does the organicism end/lay? I cant afford to visit her. I cant. I cant afford to travel with her. It’s over dude. It’s fucking over, dont worry about it. Remember, its ok. I knew this was going to happen the whole time. It’s ok, its not a big deal. Organicism wins every time. I cant do what she likes to do, what she can do, and I dont think she is willing to give that up, and she shouldnt. She absolutely shouldnt. So that’s where it stands. Dont fucking worry about it.