You Fucked Up

You were raised wrong. You were raised with the wrong values. No one is going to take care of you. No matter how good, how obedient, how kind, how fair, how submissive, how self deprecating you are, how whatever, no one will take care of you. No one is responsible for you. It’s so fucking obvious and I of course know and knew it. But deep deep deep down that was not the case. It’s fucked up. It’s really fucked up. Deep down that is what I was expecting from others. But it’s so obviously incorrect. No matter what the relationship, it won’t happen. It’s fucking over. That paradigm is over.  No more. It is so stupid and my god how the hell did that paradigm ever get allowed to persist?  It’s insane. I fucked up. I fucked up so hard. No wonder ive been miserable. No feeling of warmth and love and happiness, no smile. It’s all been fake to try to gain protection from others. No satisfaction. No wonder. No fucking wonder. Well, here I am.  So fucking stupid, oh well. Such a shame. But it is different now, it feels different. My expectation of others is different and feels different. So infinitely more accurate. I feel like I can breathe easier. I feel less bitterness, infinitely less bitterness.
The thought that struck me was how I never felt like I was allowed to dream.  That I wasnt allowed to be independant. How fucking sad. It’s so sad. But that’s how I felt and feel. It’s so fucking sad. My god I mean it kind of hits the nail right on the head. No wonder I was so docile and passive, selfless. It’s disgusting. No fucking wonder. No wonder, well. It’s over now. It’s obvious and it’s over. It’s easier to breathe.

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