So the thought occurred to me on a walk as I was looking back to an old conversation I had had with an old friend of mine. Well it was a progression of thoughts trying to understand my feelings and inadequacies. And the thought basically came to, I was faking it. I was faking conversation. And then I thought well, what if someone were walking with me right now, what would I do? And the same answer came. I would fake it. I had no joy of talking with someone, that does not exist in my heart. And most times I am talking with either a friend or groups of people, I am faking it. I mean it’s me talking and I am putting forth a genuine personality. But there is no real enjoyment. No fun. There is no way that it’s fun. And that’s weird right? I mean that’s genuinely weird. And it leads me to something I think ive somewhat felt for a long time but never really met face to face. But it’s my narcissism. And I am narcissistic, I was ever since I was very young. And it obviously is what crushes my friendships. This self centeredness, this feeling that the world ought to give me what I want. Bend itself to my needs and desires. I can think of a lot of experiences and moments where this mentality has caused ruined friendships and relationships. It’s there and it is worth facing. I dont know what to do about it. I mean obviously I know that it is ineffective and unhelpful and an unhealthy approach to life. I dont want it but dont know any other way. Again, it’s deep deep down and I need to address it. And the thought continues in a weird way. I dont know how to have fun. It doesnt exist in me. Ive been laughing much more genuinely lately, the past few months, but im still not having that feeling of fun. Its so weird. It’s troublesome. It’s disturbing and i mean it’s no way to live ones life.
So why would I have no idea what to do when walking with someone. I mean genuinely know what to do. A genuine impetus. Because mine would be, my genuine impetus would be… I have no idea how to relate, nothing is coming to my head to say, it’s just empty. It’s plain and simply empty. I’m really fucked up, I mean it’s so unhealthy. The thought occurred to me that maybe it’s because that person im walking with isnt the right person. Isnt someone who is going to get me ahead, whatever the fuck that means. And its fucked up, but I think there is truth in that. If they arent one of the poplular kids/people whatever, then they arent worth talking to. Again, this is obviously so fucked up, but its deep down in there and I dont know how to get rid of it. Ive done another couple writeups on this, and i mean, its obviously still deep down in my needs fears etc whatever. Its this weird need, this weird expectation that I have, and I dont know how to get rid of it, but i feel it and see it more and more. It really shaped how I viewed the world very early on. It really did. That whole saying of “temporarily embarassed millionaires” the mentality of many americans. I have the same, temporarily embarassed unpopular person. Both are goofy but deep down feelings of entitlement. I suppose it comes down to a goal. Deep down. Yup that seems to make sense. That I layed out a goal very long ago, that that popularity was what I was going for. That I wanted to be one of the cool kids. I remember that was the first time I started going to therapy, when I was like 9 haha. I remember what precipitated it. I had a falling out with my current group of friends and was trying to become friends with the cool group. I mean whatever, we are all allowed to try to make different friends, but I think there was a paradigm shift. I wanted to change who I was, which again is fair, I mean we are allowed to change crowds if we feel like the current one is unhealthy. But maybe it was something else, something deeper. Maybe the narcissism was coming to bear, I dont know. How do I shake this? And again, this could all be completely pointless and off base, but whatever, it seems relevant so I might as well go for it, think about it. But remember that it has to do with me, deep down. An avoidance of who I am vs becoming something else. I suppose deep down this is where the feeling of “I am not ok” came from. God, i felt such a weird ass pressure. I mean whatever, i guess most people do. It’s so weird, so hard to figure all this out. But I was always a loner, even very young. So maybe this is just in my bones. Who knows. But even alone I am dissatisfied.
I was a dick though. As much as one can view oneself as the victim I was very much a piece of shit. I was both. I knew I was and tried not to be, but I was very self righteous and judgemental. Visciously judgemental. This goes so deep and maybe its pointless to think about but it is weird. That feeling that I ought to be popular. Or something, again, its that temporarily embarassed syndrome, rationalization. I never found a sense of individuality. Of difference. Of separateness. Of, who gives a fuck what they think and to go on my own path. Rather I was harshly critical of others who were flawed and individual as I was of myself. This isnt a race towards popularity, towards being popular. Little victories here and there. It’s disgusting. To put all that aside would be a massive relief. The ultimate relief. To not have to worry about it, jesus. To not try to be popular, for that not even to be on the radar. Not even a goal. All that extra energy. God what a relief. It’s a freaky relief. To not have that goal. It’s beautiful. My god, its like weight lifted off my shoulders. For that to just go away. I feel like my life begins.