So What’s the Deal

So what’s the deal with me trying to be popular? These old remnants of my growing up through school. I remember it in Elementary, Middle, High school and college and since. And sometimes I see younger people now and realize holy shit, we are chasing entirely different things. Not that I know what they’re chasing but I see pretty clearly that my lords and demons and idols are completely different than theirs.  As embarassing as it sounds and is, im chasing the acceptance of the in crowd. And I see a younger person walking, and i realize they dont know who any of those people are. They dont give a fuck about them.  They are free from that. And for whatever reason i am not. I dont know how this came about, how they became my masters. But they did and it has ruined my life. So obviously this has to be solved, looked at, figured out.

 

So how has it lasted this long?  I mean again, I see the contrast so freaking massively when I see young people. They don’t care. They have no concern about what I am massively preoccupied with.  That in effect I don’t have to be worried about it. It’s so liberating. I don’t have a master anymore. I dont have a demon chasing me. I don’t have to look over my shoulder. It’s a lie, it was all a lie. All in my head. So stupid. I was chasing nothing. I didnt know that I was chasing it. I think deep down I did but I didnt know why, or how to stop it, or that it was even bad. I think it was supposed to yield the greatest thrill. But it was false. A falsehood. I am free. But it’s of course still there and will take work to keep challenging.  They dont pray to the same god. They arent worried what I am worried about. It’s beautiful.  I don’t have to be afraid. You’re ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.

 

You’re free. There is nothing to be afraid of. It’s ok to be different. It doesnt matter. It’s ok, there are no repercussions.
But how do i fight it when it creeps back in? When I dont realize that it’s there but it is, its this silent thing. And I cant keep actively trying to make the paradigm shift. But it does come back, maybe you just have to reinforce the viewpoint over and over. It just takes time. You can only get it by doing it. Like any other thing. And over time you learn. You’re free.

3 comments

  1. To answer your question, yes, you do have to rethink that over and over to get it ingrained into your mind. IN Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is a skill we call Turning The Mind. Think about that free feeling, that’s amazing. You are doing a good job it sounds like you had a good epiphany 🙂 best wishes!

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    1. I can see why they call it that. I hate it when I feel great, then the paradigm snaps back into the old way of thinking. So frustrating but just sounds like a part of the process. So be it : )

      Like

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