This Other

The thought keeps coming back that I would be faking conversation, faking interaction. I don’t know what all this means. I can’t wait for this tonsillectomy pain to be over with. I can’t wait to feel some sort of grasp on life. I hate being alone. But the alternative of being with people you don’t like is an equal crime.  I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
I keep feeling this other. This thing, this worry that others will judge me or attack me. That I have to fake it.  It’s like there’s someone watching and I have to live up to some standard, that’s what it feels like. I have to be happy and cool and normal and fun etc. I remember a concept called “projecting” I learned when I was in high school. About projecting your thoughts onto other people, that it was a trap people fall into. You are expecting them to be thinking that way when in reality it’s just you.  So maybe that’s a place to start. Be aware of when you are projecting your thoughts onto other people.  Its obviously a massive waste of energy.  It feels better this way, it really does. I’m so used to doing it. Not quite sure how to always avoid it. I guess we’ll see.

3 comments

  1. Hmmm, interesting. Well, I’m Erin, I’m anxious as fuck all the time! I’m also learning not to be and how to socially interact from an authenticate place which is why I have started this blog ya see? TO help people like you and me- Also I am currently getting my masters degree in psychology. This is what I know yo: you are talking about shame, not projection. Shame is the fear that you have to cover who you really are because you are scared if people see you they will know you are ‘bad’ or whatever your thing is. SOme epople think they are bad others think they are stupid, horrible, terrible people, some people hate themselves. This is also what I know, you are worthy of love, connection, and belonging no matter who you are, what you have done, or what situations have happened to you- you are still worthy. Got it? Baller! Good luck

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    1. Shame is a powerful word and it really resonates. I don’t know if i’ve looked at my problems through the lens of shame before and it’s very intriguing. It makes one feel unworthy. How interesting. Thank you for the comment, I am going to think about it a lot more.

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      1. No problem. I’ll be interested to read more of your posts! Also if you like to read check out Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly, very interesting in terms of shame. 🙂

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