Thoughts on my time in Austin with A

How did I feel at the end of my time in Austin with A?  I consciously made the decision not to talk with her about “the future”, dating, moving to the same city, etc. At the time I was clear with how I felt and I can echo that here now. I felt like it wasnt the right match. It didnt feel like a natural thing to do, to take it to the next level. I didnt feel in love. I felt connected in a way, we were very different and not always in the best ways, not in negative ways, but not in ways necessarily where you fall in love. She almost seems like an alien to me. And that’s my connection haha, she is just so far from this planet of my way of thinking that that makes her kind of interesting and attractive. But it is not a soul to soul connection and I think that is why I have been extremely hesitant to try to take things forward. At this point, I mean that’s where it stands. At some point she is going to not want to text anymore. Which is fair. Which is totally fine, she and I arent dating. And it is already somewhat descending into how my relationships normally descend into. And I can see it, little baby steps, and its not good and it wont end well. It’s sad. But thats just how it goes. Yeah, you cant worry about it. I mean it’s not the right connection. It just isnt and I think my feelings right now, of wanting to talk about it with her, come from my loneliness, not from my strength or love. So I guess I have to take those feelings with a grain of salt.  You can always tell if its a good connection by how the couple acts in company. If they still feel like a beautiful unit, where that chemistry is still obvious, then its a good match. If either is pulled away, and you can feel it, and you know they feel it, it is not a good match. That is how I feel with A. I don’t feel like a unit. Maybe at times, but I know those times will be few and far between in the future, the longer this thing would go. How do i protect myself from getting hurt? I dont know if I can necessarily. It’s hard to preempt those things.  It is going to come. There is going to be the texts where she is hanging out with a “friend”. Ill talk to you tomorrow. Etc. Again, it’s ok.  Just be like. Ok, im good. Bye. no biggie. And it’s a bit sad that the connection wasnt more. And im not sure entirely why it wasnt greater. But I dont think she looks at the world that way, not that she should. But thats what I am sensing. And again, you cant force those things. It was fun for what it was. It really was and I had a great time, no regrets there. Yeah I miss her. I miss a lot of things about her. But again, I know this wouldnt last. She is not the kind of person to care, and thats ok.  I hate long distance, I fucking hate this. I dont want that text, “im hanging out with a friend of mine”  I dont want texts like that. I dont want this to be that kind of connection. Or maybe I just need to shut the fuck up and be like whatever and find my own connection here. I think that is obviously the healthier choice. It is.

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