Check in on Things

My thoughts and feelings. Man what a crazy past couple of weeks. I am finally getting over the pain from the surgery and feel like I am back into real life, into living again.  Going for walks has been nice and going on the bike ride today was fantastic. Got wiped out super quickly and felt really weak, same feeling that I had going for a walk just a couple days before. It’s odd, definitely not a nutrition thing, I think just a kidney/liver thing maybe? Not quite sure but glad I got home when I did, was feeling weak.  
Bigger thing is I can feel A not giving a shit about me. I think, at least I think. Could be in my head but man, it sucks not to talk to her, it sucks talking through text. This sucks, this really sucks. My feelings about her are completely up in the air. The biggest issue really is money, well one of the big issues is money. I cant hang with her, I can’t go on trips with her I cant do a lot of things. She wants to move to NYC. Fuck that man, I cant, I cant afford it, I don’t want to. We are opposites but man it is just not going to work out. But, maybe go all in? But wait. I believe in organicism. There is a reason I havent felt the need to try to take things further. It’s not a bad thing maybe. Maybe it’s better like this. The issue is I cant connect with her. I try talking but I get nothing. But when my close friend messages me, it’s the same but the opposite. I say simple things and am not engaging. So who am I to talk right? This blows. It’s so scary. Why do we talk?  Thats almost a better question lol. Why? If there is no connection why do we talk? She certainly has plenty of friends over there and she is beautiful so she is not missing out on male attention im sure. Dude, i dont freaking know. Fuck. What do I feel is missing? There was one time where I felt connected. Kind of. I feel like I am open with her for the most part. And she is with me, but there is this like opaque barrier between her soul and mine. She doesnt hide anything, but doesnt reveal it.  I try to ask, but am met with opaque openness. It’s weird. Dude im so fucked. I am going to be alone forever haha. No, I don’t know. Man I want some egg rolls right now for some reason haha. Oh well. I don’t love her. And that’s really freaking stupid. I don’t think it’s the distance thing too. At the end of the three weeks, I didnt feel it. I really didnt. I just want to connect!! Ahh. Why cant I do it?? What is wrong with me, what is going on?  Ahh. Something is always missing. And it’s not them. And I think that is the key. You cant start from a place blaming others. It’s my insecurity, it’s my feeling like I have to be something else. It’s my fear of standing out as different. It matters, those things matter and affect how much I can connect. If i am concealing myself, then no one is going to open up to me. It’s so true. It’s the only way.

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