Thoughts on adulthood

It’s worth thinking about independence and how it comes about and how it didn’t come about in my life. I think I took the easy way out growing up, because I could. It was easy to be reclusive and shy and I was enabled. Sometimes it just works out that way. When I look back I wish I had made the decision to throw that all out the window, to say that I don’t need that anymore, I don’t want that anymore. I can do it on my own now and I don’t need them to do it for me. I can do it myself now. I mean that’s the change that needed to happen. But as it turned out I never really made that decision, never really saw it that way for whatever reason. Instead I was kind of in a limbo of dependence and adulthood. I was forced into the real world never really having the foundation of self trust, of self perseverance, I didn’t have the strength of independence. I was just waiting for someone to take care of it for me and the pain always came when that never happened. I had paradigm shifts that alluded to this problem but it was never clear enough to really take specific action. It’s a beautiful thing to be independent. And it is pretty clear why I was in so much emotional pain in my 20s. Self doubt I think really comes from that sense of dependence or vice versa. It’s so important. It’s such an important feeling and sense to strengthen and cultivate. I think it solves a lot of things in one swoop. I really think it does. It makes one strong. It places life in your hands.

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