Well well well…

Yeah I have no idea what’s going on. It’s just tough. I want to feel better, but do I wait to take action until I do? No, I mean I don’t think it works that way. But what is my guide?  I mean really, it seems like there is nothing to hold on to. No instinct, no understanding, no sense of values. It’s just kind of survival and pain. Which I suppose is fairly normal but I don’t think it has to be this way. Well maybe it is just action. Maybe it is going after, and asking and figuring out what needs to be done. What am I afraid of? My god, it’s impossible to tell. But it is fairly clear. Again, face your fears. Well with A, it’s well a really important thing. And honestly it is a reasonable fear, god damn it. It is. I don’t live in the same city. I would be happy to move in with her, I guess, but man, i have to keep another place. Because I don’t have the confidence that we have the right connection. We dont talk enough! We have been texting for a long time, and that means something but it is low low low on the totem pole of connection. I am not connected with her the way I should be. After talking to her last night, I felt amazing, I felt so connected and I had a great time talking with her on the phone. It was amazing and chill and so much fun. But I am the one asking, am I the one taking this seriously?  I mean god damnit. What the fuck?  This is not ok. This is not freaking ok.  And no, I will not feel forced into visiting. I will not. This has to be resolved. I wish she asked to talk. It would be an amazing symbol. Wtf. I have been the one to ask. And ya know, if it’s not there it’s not there. But that matters and it says something. It does. Dude, you can’t worry, you can’t feel bullied. Not that she is. But you cannot act outside of how you feel. You cant act just becasue you feel you ought to. I am so happy about my decision about the hiking trip to Utah. Fuck that, I cant afford it and would be miserable the whole time.  My feelings. My feelings completely independant of all this. Is it dependant on my success?  My attributes, my achievements, my skills?  I don’t know. And I don’t think so necessarily. But I dont know where it comes from. Because I don’t feel good. I really don’t and it’s not ok and I dont think it has to be this way. Because I have seen the other side. And it is crystal clear the difference. The feeling is amazing. No one is going to stick up for you. I think that is the massive point. Look no one freaking cares. No one is going to do it. No one owes it to you. God this is so important, writing this stuff down. It really freaking helps. It still hurts though. But you have to face all of this. So with A. The way I face it?  I am not sure. You have to talk, you have to have phone conversations. You have to see where this is going, and texting isnt enough.  If she can’t find the time, then she doesn’t care. Plain and simple. Other things? Other issues. Work issues, I am behaving the way I need to. Look, I have a sense he doesn’t want to sign me, which again is weird as fuck because he can back out of the contract at any time. This is very odd. I am extremely confused but I will go with it. Other than that I am acting professionally. It’s cool to get these little gigs. I need to get back into shape and get my confidence under myself. My voice is stronger than it was before. It feels great. And once I am healthy I think I will have a really cool thing going for me. But this feeling is still there. Deep inside. And I have felt self-love, where I honestly feel like I have come to grips with myself and feel, love. But it goes away. And I don’t know what to do. I am not sure how to face that demon. The way I can face an external one in a way. What are the internal demons? I mean there are too many to say. I think a big one is, vaguely and generally a sense of entitlement. That somehow I expect to be somewhere I am not, or to be someone I am not, or to have things I don’t have.  But that doesn’t quite hit the mark. Because I have felt this way for a very long time I think. Have always behaved this way. And I am not sure where it comes from. Demons. Feeling different. I mean, what does that mean?  I don’t quite think that’s it. Ok here’s what it is. It’s the perennial feeling. I don’t have anything to say. I am in a conversation and I have no feelings, no feelings to interact, nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I mean, again, that is an external thing, something I can work on, and I do. But, the issue is on the inside. I mean I feel like I have analysed myself a lot and have found important things. And i have profound paradigm shifts that bring a peace within myself. But it goes away. And I then cannot get it back. It’s really troubling and frustrating. What are the demons? Man I dont know. It’s tough. I really dont know. Why am I so afraid? I mean again, it’s that feeling that I have nothing to say. I remember sitting with friends in middle school and just not saying anything. It’s easy to say that that’s not a big deal, but it is. I had no sense to contribute, or that I could. It just wasnt how I thought. And its the same demon that haunts me to this day. But I still dont know what it is. Why the lack of empowerment, the lack of rebelliousness? I mean again, there are a million things to say that are for the most part accurate, but I dont know how much power they have to help. I felt that I ought to be good, so I submitted to authority. I wanted to be liked, so I didnt want to say anything to offend. But again, both those things come from a lack of self. A lack of, feeling like I don’t need them. If I felt that I diddnt need them, then I can act independantly. If they dont like me then, then so be it. That’s ok, that’s their power. But I get to act in a way that satisfies me. But why did it go internal?  I mean i guess that’s the natural way for it to go. I had no focus. I felt scattered. Again, there is no way in hell tv helped me during that time or later. It must have completely scrambled my focus. But again, there is something deeper. Because why?  I mean you can’t just blame one thing. I was a piece of shit a lot of the time. I was. I honestly was. One could say I had a lot of energy as a kid and no real way to let it out. I was a piece of shit, I was. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was very unlikeable. But again, where do the roots of me come into play. Where do I evolve? Why didn’t I grow up happy, noble, and strong, self-supporting?  Maybe it is closer to that idea of needing people. Feeling like you need other people and you are fucked. Then any bad step means you’re fucked. But if you are charged to do it yourself, to not need others, you become strong. Scarcity mentality vs abundance right?  But it still is very internal. It is. And I dont know if it is necessarily a skill thing. Maybe it is. I think the demand and charge to be popular, that that was the measure, was a source of it. But I remember competing in other detremental ways. Feeling inadequate. There is something inside that drives that. Maybe it really does come down to approval. That that was such a high element on the spectrum of needs. It seems to help. But I know it goes deeper, but it helps for now. There is a view of myself that is very helpful and beautiful. It’s rare but it’s so beautiful and helpful. It really is. It’s a sense of self. It’s a sense of I don’t need them. I dont need them at all. I am just fine. It’s beautiful. It’s the most beautiful thing and it’s so critical. That I am separate. That I am happy. Night yo.

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