Thoughts on a plane

I just want to feel. I don’t want to analyze. I want to talk and see and feel things.

It’s such an odd thing. Waiting to feel, to feel any sort of craving or want or need. To just sit in silence and feel nothing, no drive, no boredom. I feel it now. The goal is to take away the false experiences and create a desire for real ones. And that this will lead to a connection to others. A desire for connection with others. How far do I go? The list is: no jerking off, no porn, no tv (only limited to UFC and teaser videos)[is this even too lenient?], I am not sure what to do with dating apps. I think I should keep them, to facilitate these potential cravings, but they are a mediating force that will limit the craving for direct human contact and interaction or the proactive muscles to start a real life conversation. But I think at this point the pros outweigh the cons. So the next one is a tough one, no alcohol unless with friends. It’s a tough one and probably the best one to be honest. All I want to do is drink when I get home, when I’m bored. It’s a tough one and drinking makes me break all the other rules. It’s expensive and unhealthy, but I love it haha, but I don’t love it. And it is an addiction. It has no place in a relationship or in family or even with friends. The thought is that when you do drink, the goal is to not feel it. Its fair and a good rule. But I want to drink hard. And get intoxicated and lost in it. The rule is a brutal one, but drink with other people. That’s the rule. And drink so you don’t feel it. Fuck. It sucks. But it’s kind of the only way, it makes you break all the other rules, it leads into them. And drinking out is expensive. All I want to do is drink and smoke and fuck haha. Re download the dating apps. What would dating be like without the apps? More hands on, it would take more conversation and trial and error, more money at bars. Keep the apps. No music. No reading. I think the no jerking off is the biggest and most interesting one, I’ve never really pulled it off for too long before and I think it’s worth it. The instinct is so pervasive that I wonder what it influences and where things will go. I have noticed changes already. I can sense that boredom really setting in, like holy shit, I really can’t rely on these things anymore to entertain myself. I wonder where it will lead. The next step is to find free and inexpensive things. Museums will be a logical choice. Dating.. bars are expensive but coffee shops can be too. A coffee date is a friend/relationship date. Adults go to bars. It’s going to cost a lot. I can’t entertain at my place. It is going to have to be at bars. Expect each date to be 20 dollars, if I’m paying for drinks, then just an even 50.  I can’t afford 50 dollars a date. This is scary business man. Save money elsewhere, well of course. Fuck I shouldn’t have bought that recording equipment. But even then, that’s only 900 dollars worth. It’s a lot but Jesus Christ it’s really not that much. I need to earn more. Shave and take those serving gigs? I’m not sure.

There has to be more. This feeling is great and kind of freeing. But it still feels cold, internally cold. I can’t go on a date like this, maybe I can , I feel more honest. I don’t know what to do. I need to see a therapist. Who I really am..?? My god it’s a daunting thing. No more faking and growing. Being honest with myself, no more fitting in. Am I empowered? Jesus I don’t know. But when I look at what I accomplished I feel very little. The painting feels empty, most of the writing feels empty. So maybe it’s worth a shot. But even this.

Well, I’m sleepy, not really, maybe a it. Party, new people, dead face. I mean don’t worry about the face but

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