Death was made to fail
I just want to feel. I don’t want to analyze. I want to talk and see and feel things.
It’s such an odd thing. Waiting to feel, to feel any sort of craving or want or need. To just sit in silence and feel nothing, no drive, no boredom. I feel it now. The goal is to take away the false experiences and create a desire for real ones. And that this will lead to a connection to others. A desire for connection with others. How far do I go? The list is: no jerking off, no porn, no tv (only limited to UFC and teaser videos)[is this even too lenient?], I am not sure what to do with dating apps. I think I should keep them, to facilitate these potential cravings, but they are a mediating force that will limit the craving for direct human contact and interaction or the proactive muscles to start a real life conversation. But I think at this point the pros outweigh the cons. So the next one is a tough one, no alcohol unless with friends. It’s a tough one and probably the best one to be honest. All I want to do is drink when I get home, when I’m bored. It’s a tough one and drinking makes me break all the other rules. It’s expensive and unhealthy, but I love it haha, but I don’t love it. And it is an addiction. It has no place in a relationship or in family or even with friends. The thought is that when you do drink, the goal is to not feel it. Its fair and a good rule. But I want to drink hard. And get intoxicated and lost in it. The rule is a brutal one, but drink with other people. That’s the rule. And drink so you don’t feel it. Fuck. It sucks. But it’s kind of the only way, it makes you break all the other rules, it leads into them. And drinking out is expensive. All I want to do is drink and smoke and fuck haha. Re download the dating apps. What would dating be like without the apps? More hands on, it would take more conversation and trial and error, more money at bars. Keep the apps. No music. No reading. I think the no jerking off is the biggest and most interesting one, I’ve never really pulled it off for too long before and I think it’s worth it. The instinct is so pervasive that I wonder what it influences and where things will go. I have noticed changes already. I can sense that boredom really setting in, like holy shit, I really can’t rely on these things anymore to entertain myself. I wonder where it will lead. The next step is to find free and inexpensive things. Museums will be a logical choice. Dating.. bars are expensive but coffee shops can be too. A coffee date is a friend/relationship date. Adults go to bars. It’s going to cost a lot. I can’t entertain at my place. It is going to have to be at bars. Expect each date to be 20 dollars, if I’m paying for drinks, then just an even 50. I can’t afford 50 dollars a date. This is scary business man. Save money elsewhere, well of course. Fuck I shouldn’t have bought that recording equipment. But even then, that’s only 900 dollars worth. It’s a lot but Jesus Christ it’s really not that much. I need to earn more. Shave and take those serving gigs? I’m not sure.
There has to be more. This feeling is great and kind of freeing. But it still feels cold, internally cold. I can’t go on a date like this, maybe I can , I feel more honest. I don’t know what to do. I need to see a therapist. Who I really am..?? My god it’s a daunting thing. No more faking and growing. Being honest with myself, no more fitting in. Am I empowered? Jesus I don’t know. But when I look at what I accomplished I feel very little. The painting feels empty, most of the writing feels empty. So maybe it’s worth a shot. But even this.
Well, I’m sleepy, not really, maybe a it. Party, new people, dead face. I mean don’t worry about the face but
Nerves is anxiety in the moment. You have to challenge your nerves, you can. You have to maybe invision it a bit, maybe practice a bit, but you have to go for it, you have to overcome them. You have to meet those fears face to face. You cannot be lazy. You cannot be lazy in life. You are screwed if you do. You have to face your fears. You can do it, it’s going to be shit at first, but you can eventually get better. There are no shortcuts. Don’t be discouraged.
Man, it really is the best way to go. You have to start with the people that you know. Keep asking, if it’s awkward then it’s awkward. Fuck it. You need to build that foundation of conversations, of knowing how to get to know people, not just one shot go’s, but in the long term. Call A, talk to her, get to know her. Spend that time. I mean fuck it right? If she doesn’t want to talk then it’s not going anywhere anyway. If she doesn’t want to make the time, then fuck it. Like, I don’t know. Making new friends? Do new things man, get your ass to those drawing classes. At the gym? I suppose it’s a bit different. It’s a bit of a different environment. Do the, take it easy thing. I think it helps, I think it breaks the ice in the long term. Other than that you don’t want to be interrupting people’s workouts. And talking while changing is lame. Bar life? Man I don’t want to be that lone guy at a bar. You can make friends with the bartender for sure. You definitely can. But it’s going to get expensive. You have to do this shit. You have to take control man. Otherwise it’s all going to get away from you. They aren’t asking, well I guess I have to. And if it burns bridges then my god, there isnt much else I can do. You have to learn. And maybe it will lead to new things. I need to get furniture for my apt. Fuck, this is not cool. Yeah, I am so afraid of bed bugs from a thrift store, god damn it. I can’t afford new furniture. Ahh but if it is from a thrift store I will have to ship it myself. Hmm, I will have to look, see if I can find anything smallish that will do but not look completely trashy, ugh. I need to find stuff to do. No more of this bull shit. I need to plan and execute. I need to work, get to work building who I am and what I love to do. Fuck this. Fuck being lazy. Your life is now and only you can take the reins and make decisions about what you’re about, what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do. Fuck all this. Fuck passivity. Just fucking do it. Organize it.
Yeah I have no idea what’s going on. It’s just tough. I want to feel better, but do I wait to take action until I do? No, I mean I don’t think it works that way. But what is my guide? I mean really, it seems like there is nothing to hold on to. No instinct, no understanding, no sense of values. It’s just kind of survival and pain. Which I suppose is fairly normal but I don’t think it has to be this way. Well maybe it is just action. Maybe it is going after, and asking and figuring out what needs to be done. What am I afraid of? My god, it’s impossible to tell. But it is fairly clear. Again, face your fears. Well with A, it’s well a really important thing. And honestly it is a reasonable fear, god damn it. It is. I don’t live in the same city. I would be happy to move in with her, I guess, but man, i have to keep another place. Because I don’t have the confidence that we have the right connection. We dont talk enough! We have been texting for a long time, and that means something but it is low low low on the totem pole of connection. I am not connected with her the way I should be. After talking to her last night, I felt amazing, I felt so connected and I had a great time talking with her on the phone. It was amazing and chill and so much fun. But I am the one asking, am I the one taking this seriously? I mean god damnit. What the fuck? This is not ok. This is not freaking ok. And no, I will not feel forced into visiting. I will not. This has to be resolved. I wish she asked to talk. It would be an amazing symbol. Wtf. I have been the one to ask. And ya know, if it’s not there it’s not there. But that matters and it says something. It does. Dude, you can’t worry, you can’t feel bullied. Not that she is. But you cannot act outside of how you feel. You cant act just becasue you feel you ought to. I am so happy about my decision about the hiking trip to Utah. Fuck that, I cant afford it and would be miserable the whole time. My feelings. My feelings completely independant of all this. Is it dependant on my success? My attributes, my achievements, my skills? I don’t know. And I don’t think so necessarily. But I dont know where it comes from. Because I don’t feel good. I really don’t and it’s not ok and I dont think it has to be this way. Because I have seen the other side. And it is crystal clear the difference. The feeling is amazing. No one is going to stick up for you. I think that is the massive point. Look no one freaking cares. No one is going to do it. No one owes it to you. God this is so important, writing this stuff down. It really freaking helps. It still hurts though. But you have to face all of this. So with A. The way I face it? I am not sure. You have to talk, you have to have phone conversations. You have to see where this is going, and texting isnt enough. If she can’t find the time, then she doesn’t care. Plain and simple. Other things? Other issues. Work issues, I am behaving the way I need to. Look, I have a sense he doesn’t want to sign me, which again is weird as fuck because he can back out of the contract at any time. This is very odd. I am extremely confused but I will go with it. Other than that I am acting professionally. It’s cool to get these little gigs. I need to get back into shape and get my confidence under myself. My voice is stronger than it was before. It feels great. And once I am healthy I think I will have a really cool thing going for me. But this feeling is still there. Deep inside. And I have felt self-love, where I honestly feel like I have come to grips with myself and feel, love. But it goes away. And I don’t know what to do. I am not sure how to face that demon. The way I can face an external one in a way. What are the internal demons? I mean there are too many to say. I think a big one is, vaguely and generally a sense of entitlement. That somehow I expect to be somewhere I am not, or to be someone I am not, or to have things I don’t have. But that doesn’t quite hit the mark. Because I have felt this way for a very long time I think. Have always behaved this way. And I am not sure where it comes from. Demons. Feeling different. I mean, what does that mean? I don’t quite think that’s it. Ok here’s what it is. It’s the perennial feeling. I don’t have anything to say. I am in a conversation and I have no feelings, no feelings to interact, nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I mean, again, that is an external thing, something I can work on, and I do. But, the issue is on the inside. I mean I feel like I have analysed myself a lot and have found important things. And i have profound paradigm shifts that bring a peace within myself. But it goes away. And I then cannot get it back. It’s really troubling and frustrating. What are the demons? Man I dont know. It’s tough. I really dont know. Why am I so afraid? I mean again, it’s that feeling that I have nothing to say. I remember sitting with friends in middle school and just not saying anything. It’s easy to say that that’s not a big deal, but it is. I had no sense to contribute, or that I could. It just wasnt how I thought. And its the same demon that haunts me to this day. But I still dont know what it is. Why the lack of empowerment, the lack of rebelliousness? I mean again, there are a million things to say that are for the most part accurate, but I dont know how much power they have to help. I felt that I ought to be good, so I submitted to authority. I wanted to be liked, so I didnt want to say anything to offend. But again, both those things come from a lack of self. A lack of, feeling like I don’t need them. If I felt that I diddnt need them, then I can act independantly. If they dont like me then, then so be it. That’s ok, that’s their power. But I get to act in a way that satisfies me. But why did it go internal? I mean i guess that’s the natural way for it to go. I had no focus. I felt scattered. Again, there is no way in hell tv helped me during that time or later. It must have completely scrambled my focus. But again, there is something deeper. Because why? I mean you can’t just blame one thing. I was a piece of shit a lot of the time. I was. I honestly was. One could say I had a lot of energy as a kid and no real way to let it out. I was a piece of shit, I was. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was very unlikeable. But again, where do the roots of me come into play. Where do I evolve? Why didn’t I grow up happy, noble, and strong, self-supporting? Maybe it is closer to that idea of needing people. Feeling like you need other people and you are fucked. Then any bad step means you’re fucked. But if you are charged to do it yourself, to not need others, you become strong. Scarcity mentality vs abundance right? But it still is very internal. It is. And I dont know if it is necessarily a skill thing. Maybe it is. I think the demand and charge to be popular, that that was the measure, was a source of it. But I remember competing in other detremental ways. Feeling inadequate. There is something inside that drives that. Maybe it really does come down to approval. That that was such a high element on the spectrum of needs. It seems to help. But I know it goes deeper, but it helps for now. There is a view of myself that is very helpful and beautiful. It’s rare but it’s so beautiful and helpful. It really is. It’s a sense of self. It’s a sense of I don’t need them. I dont need them at all. I am just fine. It’s beautiful. It’s the most beautiful thing and it’s so critical. That I am separate. That I am happy. Night yo.
It’s worth thinking about independence and how it comes about and how it didn’t come about in my life. I think I took the easy way out growing up, because I could. It was easy to be reclusive and shy and I was enabled. Sometimes it just works out that way. When I look back I wish I had made the decision to throw that all out the window, to say that I don’t need that anymore, I don’t want that anymore. I can do it on my own now and I don’t need them to do it for me. I can do it myself now. I mean that’s the change that needed to happen. But as it turned out I never really made that decision, never really saw it that way for whatever reason. Instead I was kind of in a limbo of dependence and adulthood. I was forced into the real world never really having the foundation of self trust, of self perseverance, I didn’t have the strength of independence. I was just waiting for someone to take care of it for me and the pain always came when that never happened. I had paradigm shifts that alluded to this problem but it was never clear enough to really take specific action. It’s a beautiful thing to be independent. And it is pretty clear why I was in so much emotional pain in my 20s. Self doubt I think really comes from that sense of dependence or vice versa. It’s so important. It’s such an important feeling and sense to strengthen and cultivate. I think it solves a lot of things in one swoop. I really think it does. It makes one strong. It places life in your hands.