journal

Quotes

Death was made to fail

I’ve never defined myself by a win and i’ve never defined myself by a loss

I take a look at this as an opportunity, not a career

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.

Do and buy things and work in a way that will make your life easier.

It’s about peace in your heart.

Deprivation equals appretiation

You have to stay open; open minded and open to new things and to keep learning. Like a child at play, a beginners mind… I try and keep a beginners mind because that will always keep me open and learning new things and always staying humble to be able to just continue to improve.

Conformity is dead

Embrace the uncertainty of life

Frontiers are where you find them

Pressure is a choice

Your eyes have to be on where you want to hit, not on where you want to avoid punches

There’s only one way to get good at anything, surround yourself with bad mother fuckers who are doing exactly what you do and you force yourself to keep up and you all inspire each other.

Ride it till the wheels burn off the mother fucker

I have no fear of losing. My only fear is not following my instinct. My only fear is not playing my game. I fully understand Ryu is not the strongest character. If I wanted to win, I would play another character. I want to play my game. I want to express myself. And with Ryu, I have the opportunity to express myself.

“… and I am his son.  He sent me to Troy; and he used often to say to me, ‘let your motto be I lead.  Strive to be the best.”

The more you seek the uncomfortable, the more comfortable you get.

The moment seizes us

When you stop learning, then you should quit your career, you should stop doing it because you can’t be perfect, it’s a learning process that has to be ongoing all the time.

When i’m fighting in the ring and being hit, I can take it, because it’s normal for a fighter to be hurt.

And  what  remains  to  man?  The  liberating  feeling of  pervasive  disillusionment;  the  joy  of  honesty,  integrity,  and courage;  and  the  grace  of  humor,  love,  and  comprehensive tolerance:  in  one  word,  nobility.

Extreme ownership

The point of art, the reason I do art is to make life more beautiful

Getting better comes down to whether or not you can embrace the suck

Search your soul and figure out what you are missing.

You must resign yourself to the awkwardness of life, only when you find peace within yourself will you find true connection with others.

If you’re not enough without it, you’re never going to be enough with it.

Just see where it goes

Closed mouths dont get fed

You will be forgotten

Respect your opponent, don’t fear them.

No one owes you anything.

Dreams can come true, believe in yourself, believe in your heart, and once you get there don’t slow down.

Success isn’t owned, it is rented and rent is due every day.

Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen

In the Iliad the brevity of life is no objection to the world but an incentive to relish its pleasures, to live with zest, and to die gloriously.  The shadow death casts does not stain the earth with a slanderous gloom; it is an invitation to joy and nobility.

Life won’t last

“Thats a shit load of victims..” PFFFhahahahahahahah

You don’t have to be embarrassed by your weaknesses

This is a man with optimism in his heart, belief in his soul, we are all children

There are no rules to this thing

Nothing lasts

An artist has an obligation to be enroute

If it aint new, its through

I had a goal.  Every day I asked myself, “What can I do? Not tomorrow, not in 10 years but right now.  What can I do today to be better? – GSP

I am a van gogh figure, ignore the criticism, move on with your style. The flaws don’t matter.

You can’t disrespect it, you can’t ever get cocky, you can’t ever think that for whatever reason that the learning process is over.

I feel myself as an artist, I like to do things because they’re beautiful, this intensity, this edge, this action, this love, i like to put my energy in life and intensity.

You show me a good loser and i’ll show you a loser.

There is no luck, you are either better or you are not

You cannot anticipate what’s going to happen, you have to allow yourself to be in a zero point, a neutral point, and be relaxed and connected with the variations.

Suicide and beauty, it’s there all the time.

In my opinion, whoever trains the hardest will win.

Facing your nerves

Nerves is anxiety in the moment. You have to challenge your nerves, you can. You have to maybe invision it a bit, maybe practice a bit, but you have to go for it, you have to overcome them. You have to meet those fears face to face. You cannot be lazy. You cannot be lazy in life. You are screwed if you do. You have to face your fears. You can do it, it’s going to be shit at first, but you can eventually get better. There are no shortcuts. Don’t be discouraged.

Just freaking do it.

Man, it really is the best way to go. You have to start with the people that you know. Keep asking, if it’s awkward then it’s awkward. Fuck it. You need to build that foundation of conversations, of knowing how to get to know people, not just one shot go’s, but in the long term. Call A, talk to her, get to know her. Spend that time. I mean fuck it right? If she doesn’t want to talk then it’s not going anywhere anyway. If she doesn’t want to make the time, then fuck it. Like, I don’t know. Making new friends? Do new things man, get your ass to those drawing classes. At the gym? I suppose it’s a bit different. It’s a bit of a different environment. Do the, take it easy thing. I think it helps, I think it breaks the ice in the long term. Other than that you don’t want to be interrupting people’s workouts. And talking while changing is lame. Bar life? Man I don’t want to be that lone guy at a bar. You can make friends with the bartender for sure. You definitely can. But it’s going to get expensive. You have to do this shit. You have to take control man. Otherwise it’s all going to get away from you. They aren’t asking, well I guess I have to. And if it burns bridges then my god, there isnt much else I can do. You have to learn. And maybe it will lead to new things. I need to get furniture for my apt. Fuck, this is not cool. Yeah, I am so afraid of bed bugs from a thrift store, god damn it.  I can’t afford new furniture. Ahh but if it is from a thrift store I will have to ship it myself. Hmm, I will have to look, see if I can find anything smallish that will do but not look completely trashy, ugh. I need to find stuff to do. No more of this bull shit. I need to plan and execute. I need to work, get to work building who I am and what I love to do. Fuck this. Fuck being lazy. Your life is now and only you can take the reins and make decisions about what you’re about, what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do. Fuck all this. Fuck passivity. Just fucking do it. Organize it.

Well well well…

Yeah I have no idea what’s going on. It’s just tough. I want to feel better, but do I wait to take action until I do? No, I mean I don’t think it works that way. But what is my guide?  I mean really, it seems like there is nothing to hold on to. No instinct, no understanding, no sense of values. It’s just kind of survival and pain. Which I suppose is fairly normal but I don’t think it has to be this way. Well maybe it is just action. Maybe it is going after, and asking and figuring out what needs to be done. What am I afraid of? My god, it’s impossible to tell. But it is fairly clear. Again, face your fears. Well with A, it’s well a really important thing. And honestly it is a reasonable fear, god damn it. It is. I don’t live in the same city. I would be happy to move in with her, I guess, but man, i have to keep another place. Because I don’t have the confidence that we have the right connection. We dont talk enough! We have been texting for a long time, and that means something but it is low low low on the totem pole of connection. I am not connected with her the way I should be. After talking to her last night, I felt amazing, I felt so connected and I had a great time talking with her on the phone. It was amazing and chill and so much fun. But I am the one asking, am I the one taking this seriously?  I mean god damnit. What the fuck?  This is not ok. This is not freaking ok.  And no, I will not feel forced into visiting. I will not. This has to be resolved. I wish she asked to talk. It would be an amazing symbol. Wtf. I have been the one to ask. And ya know, if it’s not there it’s not there. But that matters and it says something. It does. Dude, you can’t worry, you can’t feel bullied. Not that she is. But you cannot act outside of how you feel. You cant act just becasue you feel you ought to. I am so happy about my decision about the hiking trip to Utah. Fuck that, I cant afford it and would be miserable the whole time.  My feelings. My feelings completely independant of all this. Is it dependant on my success?  My attributes, my achievements, my skills?  I don’t know. And I don’t think so necessarily. But I dont know where it comes from. Because I don’t feel good. I really don’t and it’s not ok and I dont think it has to be this way. Because I have seen the other side. And it is crystal clear the difference. The feeling is amazing. No one is going to stick up for you. I think that is the massive point. Look no one freaking cares. No one is going to do it. No one owes it to you. God this is so important, writing this stuff down. It really freaking helps. It still hurts though. But you have to face all of this. So with A. The way I face it?  I am not sure. You have to talk, you have to have phone conversations. You have to see where this is going, and texting isnt enough.  If she can’t find the time, then she doesn’t care. Plain and simple. Other things? Other issues. Work issues, I am behaving the way I need to. Look, I have a sense he doesn’t want to sign me, which again is weird as fuck because he can back out of the contract at any time. This is very odd. I am extremely confused but I will go with it. Other than that I am acting professionally. It’s cool to get these little gigs. I need to get back into shape and get my confidence under myself. My voice is stronger than it was before. It feels great. And once I am healthy I think I will have a really cool thing going for me. But this feeling is still there. Deep inside. And I have felt self-love, where I honestly feel like I have come to grips with myself and feel, love. But it goes away. And I don’t know what to do. I am not sure how to face that demon. The way I can face an external one in a way. What are the internal demons? I mean there are too many to say. I think a big one is, vaguely and generally a sense of entitlement. That somehow I expect to be somewhere I am not, or to be someone I am not, or to have things I don’t have.  But that doesn’t quite hit the mark. Because I have felt this way for a very long time I think. Have always behaved this way. And I am not sure where it comes from. Demons. Feeling different. I mean, what does that mean?  I don’t quite think that’s it. Ok here’s what it is. It’s the perennial feeling. I don’t have anything to say. I am in a conversation and I have no feelings, no feelings to interact, nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I mean, again, that is an external thing, something I can work on, and I do. But, the issue is on the inside. I mean I feel like I have analysed myself a lot and have found important things. And i have profound paradigm shifts that bring a peace within myself. But it goes away. And I then cannot get it back. It’s really troubling and frustrating. What are the demons? Man I dont know. It’s tough. I really dont know. Why am I so afraid? I mean again, it’s that feeling that I have nothing to say. I remember sitting with friends in middle school and just not saying anything. It’s easy to say that that’s not a big deal, but it is. I had no sense to contribute, or that I could. It just wasnt how I thought. And its the same demon that haunts me to this day. But I still dont know what it is. Why the lack of empowerment, the lack of rebelliousness? I mean again, there are a million things to say that are for the most part accurate, but I dont know how much power they have to help. I felt that I ought to be good, so I submitted to authority. I wanted to be liked, so I didnt want to say anything to offend. But again, both those things come from a lack of self. A lack of, feeling like I don’t need them. If I felt that I diddnt need them, then I can act independantly. If they dont like me then, then so be it. That’s ok, that’s their power. But I get to act in a way that satisfies me. But why did it go internal?  I mean i guess that’s the natural way for it to go. I had no focus. I felt scattered. Again, there is no way in hell tv helped me during that time or later. It must have completely scrambled my focus. But again, there is something deeper. Because why?  I mean you can’t just blame one thing. I was a piece of shit a lot of the time. I was. I honestly was. One could say I had a lot of energy as a kid and no real way to let it out. I was a piece of shit, I was. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was very unlikeable. But again, where do the roots of me come into play. Where do I evolve? Why didn’t I grow up happy, noble, and strong, self-supporting?  Maybe it is closer to that idea of needing people. Feeling like you need other people and you are fucked. Then any bad step means you’re fucked. But if you are charged to do it yourself, to not need others, you become strong. Scarcity mentality vs abundance right?  But it still is very internal. It is. And I dont know if it is necessarily a skill thing. Maybe it is. I think the demand and charge to be popular, that that was the measure, was a source of it. But I remember competing in other detremental ways. Feeling inadequate. There is something inside that drives that. Maybe it really does come down to approval. That that was such a high element on the spectrum of needs. It seems to help. But I know it goes deeper, but it helps for now. There is a view of myself that is very helpful and beautiful. It’s rare but it’s so beautiful and helpful. It really is. It’s a sense of self. It’s a sense of I don’t need them. I dont need them at all. I am just fine. It’s beautiful. It’s the most beautiful thing and it’s so critical. That I am separate. That I am happy. Night yo.

Thoughts on adulthood

It’s worth thinking about independence and how it comes about and how it didn’t come about in my life. I think I took the easy way out growing up, because I could. It was easy to be reclusive and shy and I was enabled. Sometimes it just works out that way. When I look back I wish I had made the decision to throw that all out the window, to say that I don’t need that anymore, I don’t want that anymore. I can do it on my own now and I don’t need them to do it for me. I can do it myself now. I mean that’s the change that needed to happen. But as it turned out I never really made that decision, never really saw it that way for whatever reason. Instead I was kind of in a limbo of dependence and adulthood. I was forced into the real world never really having the foundation of self trust, of self perseverance, I didn’t have the strength of independence. I was just waiting for someone to take care of it for me and the pain always came when that never happened. I had paradigm shifts that alluded to this problem but it was never clear enough to really take specific action. It’s a beautiful thing to be independent. And it is pretty clear why I was in so much emotional pain in my 20s. Self doubt I think really comes from that sense of dependence or vice versa. It’s so important. It’s such an important feeling and sense to strengthen and cultivate. I think it solves a lot of things in one swoop. I really think it does. It makes one strong. It places life in your hands.

How can I start meeting friends

Ok, well I am not sure. I think I need to extend my hobbies out into the world. The trick is to not have to spend money. That is kind of essential. I don’t want to have to pay to have friends. It’s fun to do things with others, especially doing the things you like. I think the figure drawing classes are a fair exception. Just 6 bucks every Sunday. That’s not that bad, 25 dollars a month. That’s really cheap and I think worth the experience. I just don’t know. It all feels so weird. So forced. But i mean meeting people is pretty unnatural anyway, so dictated by luck and circumstance. All my friends in HS had last names close to mine in the alphabet, because we always sat next to each other in class, i mean how random.  I think I am looking at all this with too high of stakes in mind. Especially apps like tinder. You aren’t looking to fall in love. You are looking to make friends. Falling in love simply has to do with chemistry and that you can’t really manipulate, you cant really force it. Hmm, it’s very interesting. And I think the friendship thing is the same situation. You aren’t going to there to make a best friend. You’re going there to say hi, see what they are about. If you connect you connect, if you don’t you don’t. It’s ok. I think the same is true with colleagues. You aren’t looking to make a best friend. You are just looking to see whats up, see if there is any connection. If not, cool. If so, cool.

 

Guitar: It would be fun to sing at an open mic night. Fuck it right? I think it would be cool and possibly a nice way to meet people. Bond over our stress haha. Play, get a drink, peace out.

 

Blog, advertise that you are local, maybe meet people that way.

 

Maintain current friendships. If they don’t want to hang out, that’s cool. At least you’ll know. It’s not a big deal. Cant force it, no need to. It’s about fun and connection.

 

Roommates, ask if they want to hang. If they say no, it’s cool. Of course there is no pressure, it’s just always a hypothetical. Put it as a “project”  that “I feel bad that I don’t know the people I live with”. It takes off the pressure, you’re not trying to be their best friend.

 

Neighbors? Hmm, it would be a slow process but it’s possible. Just a simple hello can start things off. Open up about something simple and mundane but personal. Or don’t haha, just say hi.

 

Group bike rides, I don’t know if I am interested in this as much. I think it would be nicer to ride somewhere busy, and hang out for a bit. Just smile and look approachable. Chill out, have fun, if you meet someone, that’s cool, if not, it’s still an awesome time.

 

Muay Thai – It would be awesome to get to know other people who are interested in this stuff. It always overlaps awkwardly though. I think the first step is a simple, take it easy when I am leaving. If they arent wearing headphones haha. It’s tough! Saying hi is a little weird, especially if they are mid workout. It’s a tough one. I suppose you kind of have to catch them mid “round” But it’s awkward to bring something up when I have no idea what i’m talking about or doing haha. It’s a toughy.  I think the slow ascent is the best way. Just say hi, maybe see them again and say hi again, ask them how their day is, etc, joke how I am working knees today, lol, whatever. Over time it could be cool to work out together and hang, learn from each other. I’d love to spar/learn how to wrestle/ju jitsu.

 

I always see the same cashiers working at Trader Joes. I don’t want to call it practice but it’s a nice way to interact. Again, you’re obviously not trying to be best friends. It’s just a way to interact, goof around.

 

Again, all these things are ways to meet girls to. Again, you aren’t trying to marry anyone, you aren’t trying to fall in love, you aren’t even trying to impress anyone. You are just trying to make friends. See if there is any connection. If not, totally cool. No point in wasting either of our time.
Tinder. Well. It sucks, and I don’t want to have to use it, I don’t want to spend time on it. But it’s very popular and it seems pretty damn effective. I think going about it the same way as stated before. You are just looking to make new friends. If there is a connection, cool, if not, totally cool. It is a cool to connect, nothing else, it is a tool to make a date, nothing more.

Things I need to tackle in order to feel strong

Money, well this is a dynamic issue. There are things to resolve professionally. But at this point, to the best of my knowledge, I have a manager. I am on his website, he referred to me as one of his singers for a prominent writer. There is no reason why I shouldn’t believe that I am not on his roster. Now, I need to save money for my time in NYC. It will probably cost about 2.5 – 3 grand for the four weeks.  That is a lot of money and I have a lot of time between where I am not working. Do I get a job or do I attempt to make money singing elsewhere. Not sure how that will happen. But money is of course a scary issue. I have a lot in the bank, and even if I didnt work at all until that audition season, I could still swing it probably with money to spare. Now if he is planning on cutting me. Then the options get kind of shittier but obviously necessary. I will have to enter into a new field as my singing career would be over, which is ok. It would suck, and my professional and in a way personal life would take a massive set back. Saving for retirement would be scary,  I couldn’t soak up life as much, I couldn’t travel. Women my age would be out earning me, again, not a macho thing, just less likely they will want to be with a poor ass just starting out his career at the age of 30 haha.  It sucks but those are my issues and ones upcoming. I don’t want to get a job right now. I don’t think it is worth my time, maybe it is, I don’t know. But right now, I want to get my life in order. I have three weeks until my next gig. Then another three after that. Seems odd to get a job then. Especially during the summer. Got to enjoy this shit.

 

Personality. This is a big one that I feel like I cannot control.  It is this x factor where I can lose control and make a terrible terrible impression on people. It can be and has been devastating to my personal and professional life. It is just there, it is this immovable wall sometimes. The thought helps that if other’s cant accept that I don’t know who I am, that that is a search I will be on for the rest of my life, then they aren’t worth my time. There is something deep down that is wrong with me. It sucks. But it’s there. I mean, again, it’s so deep down that it’s a tragedy to have it but something you have to take one step at a time. Just figure it out one piece at a time.

 

Aging. I am getting older. Just got to workout, stay fit. Not much you can do about this. Dress how you like, again, have fun, stay fit. I didn’t get laid when I was younger so it certainly isn’t age that is restricting me now haha.
Confidence. I mean it’s the x factor. There is certainly a lot to think about.

She is picking fights, clearly, I think?

Ahh, why?  Why did this happen? Like wtf??  I was just talking about what I write about, I wasn’t being a dick, I wasn’t being a douche bag, I wasnt being agressive or insulting. I was just talking about my life and what I write about?!?! I generalized, I generalized about what I write about, because it’s a text, its a fucking text wtf. And well, maybe a small part of it feels like it’s unequal. That I am the one always putting in the energy to be open and forthcoming. And she doesnt! And i just didnt feel like putting in the energy, because I get nothing back! I guess, maybe she sensed that, but jesus. It’s not like I wasnt opening up before, I am super open and honest about my weaknesses.  She is picking a fight, what does that mean for me? How do i react to this knowing that?  I don’t know, I could react the same way i would if I didnt know it. Or,.. i mean what, does it give me an advantage in any way? I dont know, it doestn feel like it. It does give me a bit more of a sense of calm, but if its already doomed, then why bother right? But things don’t feel good now, and why?!!?!? WHY? Like what happened? I am so confused. She is picking a fight. They cant articulate it, but they are. And she is. Just be calm then. I think that’s the point. There is no drama, there are no hard feelings. What shes is saying is I don’t want to be connected with you anymore. Ok. It’s not about the issue. I guess that helps. It’s about something deeper, but that cant be addressed. But the deeper thing is, she doesn’t want to be connected with me anymore. Which is fine, I don’t want someone who doesnt want to be with me. A phone conversaton wont save anything, but its a much better way to talk.