relationships

Thoughts on a plane

I just want to feel. I don’t want to analyze. I want to talk and see and feel things.

It’s such an odd thing. Waiting to feel, to feel any sort of craving or want or need. To just sit in silence and feel nothing, no drive, no boredom. I feel it now. The goal is to take away the false experiences and create a desire for real ones. And that this will lead to a connection to others. A desire for connection with others. How far do I go? The list is: no jerking off, no porn, no tv (only limited to UFC and teaser videos)[is this even too lenient?], I am not sure what to do with dating apps. I think I should keep them, to facilitate these potential cravings, but they are a mediating force that will limit the craving for direct human contact and interaction or the proactive muscles to start a real life conversation. But I think at this point the pros outweigh the cons. So the next one is a tough one, no alcohol unless with friends. It’s a tough one and probably the best one to be honest. All I want to do is drink when I get home, when I’m bored. It’s a tough one and drinking makes me break all the other rules. It’s expensive and unhealthy, but I love it haha, but I don’t love it. And it is an addiction. It has no place in a relationship or in family or even with friends. The thought is that when you do drink, the goal is to not feel it. Its fair and a good rule. But I want to drink hard. And get intoxicated and lost in it. The rule is a brutal one, but drink with other people. That’s the rule. And drink so you don’t feel it. Fuck. It sucks. But it’s kind of the only way, it makes you break all the other rules, it leads into them. And drinking out is expensive. All I want to do is drink and smoke and fuck haha. Re download the dating apps. What would dating be like without the apps? More hands on, it would take more conversation and trial and error, more money at bars. Keep the apps. No music. No reading. I think the no jerking off is the biggest and most interesting one, I’ve never really pulled it off for too long before and I think it’s worth it. The instinct is so pervasive that I wonder what it influences and where things will go. I have noticed changes already. I can sense that boredom really setting in, like holy shit, I really can’t rely on these things anymore to entertain myself. I wonder where it will lead. The next step is to find free and inexpensive things. Museums will be a logical choice. Dating.. bars are expensive but coffee shops can be too. A coffee date is a friend/relationship date. Adults go to bars. It’s going to cost a lot. I can’t entertain at my place. It is going to have to be at bars. Expect each date to be 20 dollars, if I’m paying for drinks, then just an even 50.  I can’t afford 50 dollars a date. This is scary business man. Save money elsewhere, well of course. Fuck I shouldn’t have bought that recording equipment. But even then, that’s only 900 dollars worth. It’s a lot but Jesus Christ it’s really not that much. I need to earn more. Shave and take those serving gigs? I’m not sure.

There has to be more. This feeling is great and kind of freeing. But it still feels cold, internally cold. I can’t go on a date like this, maybe I can , I feel more honest. I don’t know what to do. I need to see a therapist. Who I really am..?? My god it’s a daunting thing. No more faking and growing. Being honest with myself, no more fitting in. Am I empowered? Jesus I don’t know. But when I look at what I accomplished I feel very little. The painting feels empty, most of the writing feels empty. So maybe it’s worth a shot. But even this.

Well, I’m sleepy, not really, maybe a it. Party, new people, dead face. I mean don’t worry about the face but

Facing your nerves

Nerves is anxiety in the moment. You have to challenge your nerves, you can. You have to maybe invision it a bit, maybe practice a bit, but you have to go for it, you have to overcome them. You have to meet those fears face to face. You cannot be lazy. You cannot be lazy in life. You are screwed if you do. You have to face your fears. You can do it, it’s going to be shit at first, but you can eventually get better. There are no shortcuts. Don’t be discouraged.

Just freaking do it.

Man, it really is the best way to go. You have to start with the people that you know. Keep asking, if it’s awkward then it’s awkward. Fuck it. You need to build that foundation of conversations, of knowing how to get to know people, not just one shot go’s, but in the long term. Call A, talk to her, get to know her. Spend that time. I mean fuck it right? If she doesn’t want to talk then it’s not going anywhere anyway. If she doesn’t want to make the time, then fuck it. Like, I don’t know. Making new friends? Do new things man, get your ass to those drawing classes. At the gym? I suppose it’s a bit different. It’s a bit of a different environment. Do the, take it easy thing. I think it helps, I think it breaks the ice in the long term. Other than that you don’t want to be interrupting people’s workouts. And talking while changing is lame. Bar life? Man I don’t want to be that lone guy at a bar. You can make friends with the bartender for sure. You definitely can. But it’s going to get expensive. You have to do this shit. You have to take control man. Otherwise it’s all going to get away from you. They aren’t asking, well I guess I have to. And if it burns bridges then my god, there isnt much else I can do. You have to learn. And maybe it will lead to new things. I need to get furniture for my apt. Fuck, this is not cool. Yeah, I am so afraid of bed bugs from a thrift store, god damn it.  I can’t afford new furniture. Ahh but if it is from a thrift store I will have to ship it myself. Hmm, I will have to look, see if I can find anything smallish that will do but not look completely trashy, ugh. I need to find stuff to do. No more of this bull shit. I need to plan and execute. I need to work, get to work building who I am and what I love to do. Fuck this. Fuck being lazy. Your life is now and only you can take the reins and make decisions about what you’re about, what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do. Fuck all this. Fuck passivity. Just fucking do it. Organize it.

Well well well…

Yeah I have no idea what’s going on. It’s just tough. I want to feel better, but do I wait to take action until I do? No, I mean I don’t think it works that way. But what is my guide?  I mean really, it seems like there is nothing to hold on to. No instinct, no understanding, no sense of values. It’s just kind of survival and pain. Which I suppose is fairly normal but I don’t think it has to be this way. Well maybe it is just action. Maybe it is going after, and asking and figuring out what needs to be done. What am I afraid of? My god, it’s impossible to tell. But it is fairly clear. Again, face your fears. Well with A, it’s well a really important thing. And honestly it is a reasonable fear, god damn it. It is. I don’t live in the same city. I would be happy to move in with her, I guess, but man, i have to keep another place. Because I don’t have the confidence that we have the right connection. We dont talk enough! We have been texting for a long time, and that means something but it is low low low on the totem pole of connection. I am not connected with her the way I should be. After talking to her last night, I felt amazing, I felt so connected and I had a great time talking with her on the phone. It was amazing and chill and so much fun. But I am the one asking, am I the one taking this seriously?  I mean god damnit. What the fuck?  This is not ok. This is not freaking ok.  And no, I will not feel forced into visiting. I will not. This has to be resolved. I wish she asked to talk. It would be an amazing symbol. Wtf. I have been the one to ask. And ya know, if it’s not there it’s not there. But that matters and it says something. It does. Dude, you can’t worry, you can’t feel bullied. Not that she is. But you cannot act outside of how you feel. You cant act just becasue you feel you ought to. I am so happy about my decision about the hiking trip to Utah. Fuck that, I cant afford it and would be miserable the whole time.  My feelings. My feelings completely independant of all this. Is it dependant on my success?  My attributes, my achievements, my skills?  I don’t know. And I don’t think so necessarily. But I dont know where it comes from. Because I don’t feel good. I really don’t and it’s not ok and I dont think it has to be this way. Because I have seen the other side. And it is crystal clear the difference. The feeling is amazing. No one is going to stick up for you. I think that is the massive point. Look no one freaking cares. No one is going to do it. No one owes it to you. God this is so important, writing this stuff down. It really freaking helps. It still hurts though. But you have to face all of this. So with A. The way I face it?  I am not sure. You have to talk, you have to have phone conversations. You have to see where this is going, and texting isnt enough.  If she can’t find the time, then she doesn’t care. Plain and simple. Other things? Other issues. Work issues, I am behaving the way I need to. Look, I have a sense he doesn’t want to sign me, which again is weird as fuck because he can back out of the contract at any time. This is very odd. I am extremely confused but I will go with it. Other than that I am acting professionally. It’s cool to get these little gigs. I need to get back into shape and get my confidence under myself. My voice is stronger than it was before. It feels great. And once I am healthy I think I will have a really cool thing going for me. But this feeling is still there. Deep inside. And I have felt self-love, where I honestly feel like I have come to grips with myself and feel, love. But it goes away. And I don’t know what to do. I am not sure how to face that demon. The way I can face an external one in a way. What are the internal demons? I mean there are too many to say. I think a big one is, vaguely and generally a sense of entitlement. That somehow I expect to be somewhere I am not, or to be someone I am not, or to have things I don’t have.  But that doesn’t quite hit the mark. Because I have felt this way for a very long time I think. Have always behaved this way. And I am not sure where it comes from. Demons. Feeling different. I mean, what does that mean?  I don’t quite think that’s it. Ok here’s what it is. It’s the perennial feeling. I don’t have anything to say. I am in a conversation and I have no feelings, no feelings to interact, nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I mean, again, that is an external thing, something I can work on, and I do. But, the issue is on the inside. I mean I feel like I have analysed myself a lot and have found important things. And i have profound paradigm shifts that bring a peace within myself. But it goes away. And I then cannot get it back. It’s really troubling and frustrating. What are the demons? Man I dont know. It’s tough. I really dont know. Why am I so afraid? I mean again, it’s that feeling that I have nothing to say. I remember sitting with friends in middle school and just not saying anything. It’s easy to say that that’s not a big deal, but it is. I had no sense to contribute, or that I could. It just wasnt how I thought. And its the same demon that haunts me to this day. But I still dont know what it is. Why the lack of empowerment, the lack of rebelliousness? I mean again, there are a million things to say that are for the most part accurate, but I dont know how much power they have to help. I felt that I ought to be good, so I submitted to authority. I wanted to be liked, so I didnt want to say anything to offend. But again, both those things come from a lack of self. A lack of, feeling like I don’t need them. If I felt that I diddnt need them, then I can act independantly. If they dont like me then, then so be it. That’s ok, that’s their power. But I get to act in a way that satisfies me. But why did it go internal?  I mean i guess that’s the natural way for it to go. I had no focus. I felt scattered. Again, there is no way in hell tv helped me during that time or later. It must have completely scrambled my focus. But again, there is something deeper. Because why?  I mean you can’t just blame one thing. I was a piece of shit a lot of the time. I was. I honestly was. One could say I had a lot of energy as a kid and no real way to let it out. I was a piece of shit, I was. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was very unlikeable. But again, where do the roots of me come into play. Where do I evolve? Why didn’t I grow up happy, noble, and strong, self-supporting?  Maybe it is closer to that idea of needing people. Feeling like you need other people and you are fucked. Then any bad step means you’re fucked. But if you are charged to do it yourself, to not need others, you become strong. Scarcity mentality vs abundance right?  But it still is very internal. It is. And I dont know if it is necessarily a skill thing. Maybe it is. I think the demand and charge to be popular, that that was the measure, was a source of it. But I remember competing in other detremental ways. Feeling inadequate. There is something inside that drives that. Maybe it really does come down to approval. That that was such a high element on the spectrum of needs. It seems to help. But I know it goes deeper, but it helps for now. There is a view of myself that is very helpful and beautiful. It’s rare but it’s so beautiful and helpful. It really is. It’s a sense of self. It’s a sense of I don’t need them. I dont need them at all. I am just fine. It’s beautiful. It’s the most beautiful thing and it’s so critical. That I am separate. That I am happy. Night yo.

How can I start meeting friends

Ok, well I am not sure. I think I need to extend my hobbies out into the world. The trick is to not have to spend money. That is kind of essential. I don’t want to have to pay to have friends. It’s fun to do things with others, especially doing the things you like. I think the figure drawing classes are a fair exception. Just 6 bucks every Sunday. That’s not that bad, 25 dollars a month. That’s really cheap and I think worth the experience. I just don’t know. It all feels so weird. So forced. But i mean meeting people is pretty unnatural anyway, so dictated by luck and circumstance. All my friends in HS had last names close to mine in the alphabet, because we always sat next to each other in class, i mean how random.  I think I am looking at all this with too high of stakes in mind. Especially apps like tinder. You aren’t looking to fall in love. You are looking to make friends. Falling in love simply has to do with chemistry and that you can’t really manipulate, you cant really force it. Hmm, it’s very interesting. And I think the friendship thing is the same situation. You aren’t going to there to make a best friend. You’re going there to say hi, see what they are about. If you connect you connect, if you don’t you don’t. It’s ok. I think the same is true with colleagues. You aren’t looking to make a best friend. You are just looking to see whats up, see if there is any connection. If not, cool. If so, cool.

 

Guitar: It would be fun to sing at an open mic night. Fuck it right? I think it would be cool and possibly a nice way to meet people. Bond over our stress haha. Play, get a drink, peace out.

 

Blog, advertise that you are local, maybe meet people that way.

 

Maintain current friendships. If they don’t want to hang out, that’s cool. At least you’ll know. It’s not a big deal. Cant force it, no need to. It’s about fun and connection.

 

Roommates, ask if they want to hang. If they say no, it’s cool. Of course there is no pressure, it’s just always a hypothetical. Put it as a “project”  that “I feel bad that I don’t know the people I live with”. It takes off the pressure, you’re not trying to be their best friend.

 

Neighbors? Hmm, it would be a slow process but it’s possible. Just a simple hello can start things off. Open up about something simple and mundane but personal. Or don’t haha, just say hi.

 

Group bike rides, I don’t know if I am interested in this as much. I think it would be nicer to ride somewhere busy, and hang out for a bit. Just smile and look approachable. Chill out, have fun, if you meet someone, that’s cool, if not, it’s still an awesome time.

 

Muay Thai – It would be awesome to get to know other people who are interested in this stuff. It always overlaps awkwardly though. I think the first step is a simple, take it easy when I am leaving. If they arent wearing headphones haha. It’s tough! Saying hi is a little weird, especially if they are mid workout. It’s a tough one. I suppose you kind of have to catch them mid “round” But it’s awkward to bring something up when I have no idea what i’m talking about or doing haha. It’s a toughy.  I think the slow ascent is the best way. Just say hi, maybe see them again and say hi again, ask them how their day is, etc, joke how I am working knees today, lol, whatever. Over time it could be cool to work out together and hang, learn from each other. I’d love to spar/learn how to wrestle/ju jitsu.

 

I always see the same cashiers working at Trader Joes. I don’t want to call it practice but it’s a nice way to interact. Again, you’re obviously not trying to be best friends. It’s just a way to interact, goof around.

 

Again, all these things are ways to meet girls to. Again, you aren’t trying to marry anyone, you aren’t trying to fall in love, you aren’t even trying to impress anyone. You are just trying to make friends. See if there is any connection. If not, totally cool. No point in wasting either of our time.
Tinder. Well. It sucks, and I don’t want to have to use it, I don’t want to spend time on it. But it’s very popular and it seems pretty damn effective. I think going about it the same way as stated before. You are just looking to make new friends. If there is a connection, cool, if not, totally cool. It is a cool to connect, nothing else, it is a tool to make a date, nothing more.

She is picking fights, clearly, I think?

Ahh, why?  Why did this happen? Like wtf??  I was just talking about what I write about, I wasn’t being a dick, I wasn’t being a douche bag, I wasnt being agressive or insulting. I was just talking about my life and what I write about?!?! I generalized, I generalized about what I write about, because it’s a text, its a fucking text wtf. And well, maybe a small part of it feels like it’s unequal. That I am the one always putting in the energy to be open and forthcoming. And she doesnt! And i just didnt feel like putting in the energy, because I get nothing back! I guess, maybe she sensed that, but jesus. It’s not like I wasnt opening up before, I am super open and honest about my weaknesses.  She is picking a fight, what does that mean for me? How do i react to this knowing that?  I don’t know, I could react the same way i would if I didnt know it. Or,.. i mean what, does it give me an advantage in any way? I dont know, it doestn feel like it. It does give me a bit more of a sense of calm, but if its already doomed, then why bother right? But things don’t feel good now, and why?!!?!? WHY? Like what happened? I am so confused. She is picking a fight. They cant articulate it, but they are. And she is. Just be calm then. I think that’s the point. There is no drama, there are no hard feelings. What shes is saying is I don’t want to be connected with you anymore. Ok. It’s not about the issue. I guess that helps. It’s about something deeper, but that cant be addressed. But the deeper thing is, she doesn’t want to be connected with me anymore. Which is fine, I don’t want someone who doesnt want to be with me. A phone conversaton wont save anything, but its a much better way to talk.

Check in on Things

My thoughts and feelings. Man what a crazy past couple of weeks. I am finally getting over the pain from the surgery and feel like I am back into real life, into living again.  Going for walks has been nice and going on the bike ride today was fantastic. Got wiped out super quickly and felt really weak, same feeling that I had going for a walk just a couple days before. It’s odd, definitely not a nutrition thing, I think just a kidney/liver thing maybe? Not quite sure but glad I got home when I did, was feeling weak.  
Bigger thing is I can feel A not giving a shit about me. I think, at least I think. Could be in my head but man, it sucks not to talk to her, it sucks talking through text. This sucks, this really sucks. My feelings about her are completely up in the air. The biggest issue really is money, well one of the big issues is money. I cant hang with her, I can’t go on trips with her I cant do a lot of things. She wants to move to NYC. Fuck that man, I cant, I cant afford it, I don’t want to. We are opposites but man it is just not going to work out. But, maybe go all in? But wait. I believe in organicism. There is a reason I havent felt the need to try to take things further. It’s not a bad thing maybe. Maybe it’s better like this. The issue is I cant connect with her. I try talking but I get nothing. But when my close friend messages me, it’s the same but the opposite. I say simple things and am not engaging. So who am I to talk right? This blows. It’s so scary. Why do we talk?  Thats almost a better question lol. Why? If there is no connection why do we talk? She certainly has plenty of friends over there and she is beautiful so she is not missing out on male attention im sure. Dude, i dont freaking know. Fuck. What do I feel is missing? There was one time where I felt connected. Kind of. I feel like I am open with her for the most part. And she is with me, but there is this like opaque barrier between her soul and mine. She doesnt hide anything, but doesnt reveal it.  I try to ask, but am met with opaque openness. It’s weird. Dude im so fucked. I am going to be alone forever haha. No, I don’t know. Man I want some egg rolls right now for some reason haha. Oh well. I don’t love her. And that’s really freaking stupid. I don’t think it’s the distance thing too. At the end of the three weeks, I didnt feel it. I really didnt. I just want to connect!! Ahh. Why cant I do it?? What is wrong with me, what is going on?  Ahh. Something is always missing. And it’s not them. And I think that is the key. You cant start from a place blaming others. It’s my insecurity, it’s my feeling like I have to be something else. It’s my fear of standing out as different. It matters, those things matter and affect how much I can connect. If i am concealing myself, then no one is going to open up to me. It’s so true. It’s the only way.

Thoughts on my time in Austin with A

How did I feel at the end of my time in Austin with A?  I consciously made the decision not to talk with her about “the future”, dating, moving to the same city, etc. At the time I was clear with how I felt and I can echo that here now. I felt like it wasnt the right match. It didnt feel like a natural thing to do, to take it to the next level. I didnt feel in love. I felt connected in a way, we were very different and not always in the best ways, not in negative ways, but not in ways necessarily where you fall in love. She almost seems like an alien to me. And that’s my connection haha, she is just so far from this planet of my way of thinking that that makes her kind of interesting and attractive. But it is not a soul to soul connection and I think that is why I have been extremely hesitant to try to take things forward. At this point, I mean that’s where it stands. At some point she is going to not want to text anymore. Which is fair. Which is totally fine, she and I arent dating. And it is already somewhat descending into how my relationships normally descend into. And I can see it, little baby steps, and its not good and it wont end well. It’s sad. But thats just how it goes. Yeah, you cant worry about it. I mean it’s not the right connection. It just isnt and I think my feelings right now, of wanting to talk about it with her, come from my loneliness, not from my strength or love. So I guess I have to take those feelings with a grain of salt.  You can always tell if its a good connection by how the couple acts in company. If they still feel like a beautiful unit, where that chemistry is still obvious, then its a good match. If either is pulled away, and you can feel it, and you know they feel it, it is not a good match. That is how I feel with A. I don’t feel like a unit. Maybe at times, but I know those times will be few and far between in the future, the longer this thing would go. How do i protect myself from getting hurt? I dont know if I can necessarily. It’s hard to preempt those things.  It is going to come. There is going to be the texts where she is hanging out with a “friend”. Ill talk to you tomorrow. Etc. Again, it’s ok.  Just be like. Ok, im good. Bye. no biggie. And it’s a bit sad that the connection wasnt more. And im not sure entirely why it wasnt greater. But I dont think she looks at the world that way, not that she should. But thats what I am sensing. And again, you cant force those things. It was fun for what it was. It really was and I had a great time, no regrets there. Yeah I miss her. I miss a lot of things about her. But again, I know this wouldnt last. She is not the kind of person to care, and thats ok.  I hate long distance, I fucking hate this. I dont want that text, “im hanging out with a friend of mine”  I dont want texts like that. I dont want this to be that kind of connection. Or maybe I just need to shut the fuck up and be like whatever and find my own connection here. I think that is obviously the healthier choice. It is.